tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56658623644801814662024-02-21T07:32:50.493-06:00Looking Down the Rabbit HoleA fractured life's little musingsUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-77006058293628143692020-09-19T09:01:00.001-05:002020-09-19T09:01:30.374-05:003 Self-Defeating Habits That Destroy Happiness<h3 style="text-align: left;">The top three energy-draining, ambition-killing traits to lose.</h3><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-kids-call-the-shots/202009/3-self-defeating-habits-destroy-happiness" target="_blank">Posted Sep 18, 2020<br /></a><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/experts/sean-grover-lcsw" target="_blank">Sean Grover L.C.S.W.<br /></a><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-kids-call-the-shots" target="_blank">When Kids Call the Shots</a></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="318" data-original-width="377" height="338" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg72As5aUQa0_XBuS5dlD7VGV4LBz2EKZEa2kxrHfpvNbGzBYwW_j0EzMN9Jo106S1Eegfh3VOE4XUw2v6ntLxaO-jXjcqKgXT7YGJ7fLk3Y4k_8s8SJE5THWkd2nH832AVgX9pvHZ7B83C/w400-h338/09192001.PNG" width="400" /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div>Everyone struggles with negative internal voices; those nagging, critical, <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/confidence" target="_blank">confidence</a>-destroying voices that pop up when you're feeling <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/anxiety" target="_blank">anxious </a>or want to try something new: </div><div><br /></div><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><div><i>“You can’t do that.” </i></div></blockquote><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><div><i><br /></i></div></blockquote><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><div><i>“People will laugh at you” </i></div></blockquote><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><div><i><br /></i></div></blockquote><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><div><i>“You’re not good enough.”</i></div></blockquote></blockquote><div><br /></div><div>With the help of the right therapist, you can go to battle with self-defeating voices, unearth their origins, and evict them from your psychic. Even if they appear now and then (who doesn't suffer bouts of self-doubt or insecurity?), individual or <a href="http://www.seangrover.com/adult-group/" target="_blank">group therapy</a> can help you learn to manage self-defeating voices and keep them from undermining you. </div><div><br /></div><div>But what about self-defeating habits? Those ingrained patterns that feel as comfortable as your favorite cozy blanket. What do you do about those?</div><div><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">Self-Defeating Habits</h3><div>Self-defeating habits generally fly just under the radar of your consciousness. You're aware of them, but not enough to challenge them. They've become so ingrained and habitual that you're quick to normalize them. </div><div><br /></div><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><div><i>“I know I should exercise more, but …”</i></div></blockquote><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><div><i><br /></i></div></blockquote><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><div><i>“I don’t make good decisions when I drink too much, but …”</i></div></blockquote><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><div><i><br /></i></div></blockquote><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><div><i>“It should probably get out more, but …”</i></div></blockquote></blockquote><div><br /></div><div>After every "but" is a reason not to justify poor choices and maintain your self-defeating patterns. To break free of them, let's take a closer look at the top three energy-draining, ambition-killing, and <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/happiness" target="_blank">happiness</a>-derailing traits that I've seen in my <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/therapy" target="_blank">psychotherapy</a> practice in the last 25 years.</div><div><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">Top Three Self-Defeating Habits</h3><h4 style="text-align: left;">1. Complaining </h4><div>Complaint is the enemy of happiness. Whatever satisfaction it delivers can be considered empty calories at best. There's nothing wrong with feeling disgruntled, especially when it inspires us to grow and self-challenge, a dynamic Buddhists call <a href="https://www.sgi.org/about-us/buddhist-concepts/changing-poison-into-medicine.html" target="_blank">"Turning poison into medicine." </a></div><div><br /></div><div>But chronic complaint without action forges patterns of <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/pessimism" target="_blank">negative thinking</a>, pessimism, and hopelessness. It reinforces a sense of powerlessness in the face of frustration, saps your energy, and becomes a chronic source of discouragement for you and others around you. The result is an apathetic attitude that sucks the joy out of life. </div><div><br /></div><h4 style="text-align: left;">2. Self-neglect</h4><div><br /></div><div>No matter how you justify it, self-neglect leads to illnesses of the body, mind, and spirit. You can't sustainably enjoy life or develop <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/resilience" target="_blank">resilience </a>if you're sleep-deprived, don't exercise, ignore healthy eating habits, or rely on substances. The mind craves stimulation, the body craves movement, and the spirit craves balance—people who chose to ignore all three and engage in self-neglect craft a lifestyle that is destined to result in <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/depression" target="_blank">depression </a>or <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/shyness" target="_blank">social anxiety.</a> </div><div><br /></div><h4 style="text-align: left;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/procrastination" target="_blank">3. Procrastination </a></h4><div>Too often, we know what we should do, yet put off taking action. Procrastination leads to missed opportunities and regret. It feeds isolation, distrust, and emotional fragility. When we procrastinate, we deny ourselves a better way of being.</div><div><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">Challenging Self-Defeating Habits</h3><div>Here are three simple ways you can start to undo self-defeating habits today:</div><div><br /></div><div><ol style="text-align: left;"><li>Write them down: List the habits you'd like to change, put them down on paper so you can begin to be more conscious of them. </li><li>Make an action plan: what steps can you take today to address those habits. </li><li>Seek out support: therapy, support groups, <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/career" target="_blank">career</a> <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/coaching" target="_blank">coaching</a>, continuing <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/education">education </a>classes, <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/spirituality" target="_blank">spiritual practices</a>; there's are endless ways available to inspire yourself to action. Defeating self-defeating habits with support is always more successful than challenging them alone.</li></ol></div><p><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-76600983807120538542020-09-17T08:48:00.003-05:002020-09-17T08:48:24.367-05:004 signs you had a codependent upbringing that affects your adult relationships, according to a therapist<p style="text-align: center;"> <img border="0" data-original-height="825" data-original-width="1100" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqgcQb2KNMPWReBnZFC-sIdORLY-6X1vgWXQ14KOGq7hop8LkDVvAOB1fEdu1FRI78KTMzEaBSEaAJYrz4Us_SAMXAdpBDbv1zEDZ_85_zas3LZT_SEc22FnyuYXk934EHWZA8rtgAyXa9/w400-h300/5f623174323fc4001e0d6986.jpg" style="text-align: center;" width="400" /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div><a href="https://www.insider.com/author/julia-naftulin" target="_blank">Julia Naftulin</a></div><div><br /></div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>If a parent raised you in a codependent manner, it could negatively affect your adult relationships.</li><li>Signs a parent was codependent include using passive-aggressive behavior to discipline, making all decisions for a child, and refusing to admit to being wrong.</li><li>An adult child who had a codependent upbringing may have anxiety over decision-making, use passive-aggressive behavior while upset, and make personal stressors a problem for parents to solve.</li></ul></div><div><br /></div><div>Children look to their parents for emotional support and how to act as they learn to navigate the world. But if that parent-child relationship is unhealthy, it can affect the way a child interacts with others as an adult.</div><div><br /></div><div>This commonly occurs in <a href="https://www.insider.com/how-to-tell-if-youre-codependent-parent-according-to-therapist-2020-9" target="_blank">codependent relationships</a>, in which parents' words and actions teach children they need another person to validate their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, the therapist <a href="https://www.drkristieoverstreet.com/" target="_blank">Kristie Overstreet </a>told Insider.</div><div><br /></div><div>If a parent never admits to being wrong, uses passive-aggressive behavior to discipline a child, or doesn't allow a child to make any decisions, that <a href="https://www.insider.com/how-to-tell-if-youre-codependent-parent-according-to-therapist-2020-9" target="_blank">child may go on to seek a similar type of reliance in adult relationships</a>, whether romantic or platonic, Insider previously reported.</div><div><br /></div><div>If you use passive-aggressive behavior when you're upset, call on a parent to solve stressful situations for you, or have extreme anxiety over decision-making, it could mean you had a codependent relationship in childhood, Overstreet said.</div><div><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">You're overcome with anxiety when you have to make a decision</h3><div>Decision-making isn't always easy, but if you find you're anxious or worried every time you're tasked with making a choice, it could mean you were raised to be codependent.</div><div><br /></div><div>"I see it a lot when they have a ton of anxiety and need approval from others, whether it's a partner or a friend or the people at work," Overstreet told Insider of her patients with codependency issues.</div><div><br /></div><div>She said they felt they're "not ever being good enough because they were always striving to get that from their parents," as children.</div><div><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">When you're upset, you storm away or use the silent treatment</h3><div>Codependent parents often use passive-aggressive tactics, like eye-rolling, storming away, or giving the silent treatment to their children when they're upset.</div><div><br /></div><div>If it's done repeatedly, children may employ those behaviors in their own adult relationships because they weren't taught how to communicate feelings of sadness or frustration, Overstreet said.</div><div><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">You ask your parent to save you from stressful situations</h3><div>It's normal for parents to help their child with homework, cook them dinner, and take them to soccer practice. But if a parent provides unsolicited help with chores, it could stunt children's ability to evolve and do those things for themselves.</div><div><br /></div><div>And if parents continue to enable this behavior when their child is an adult — running errands and doing laundry for them regularly without asking permission first — it can create toxicity, according to Overstreet.</div><div><br /></div><div>She said she's seen this behavior pop up when a codependent adult child encounters a typical life stressor, such as moving to a new house or navigating health problems.</div><div><br /></div><div>In these cases, the child asks the parent to figure out the solution instead of explaining the specific help that's required.</div><div><br /></div><div>"They ask their parents for help, but not just like: 'Hey, I need help. Can you do this [specific task] for me?' It's: 'I can't do this on my own. I'm not able to function. I need you to step in.' And it'd be a frequent thing," Overstreet said.</div><div><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">You put needs of your family and friends above your own</h3><div>Codependent adults might also overlook their own goals and desires because they can view themselves only through the lens of others, Overstreet said.</div><div><br /></div><div>She gave the example of a codependent parent asking a codependent adult child when they'll have children of their own. Though the adult child may not feel ready to have kids, or doesn't want kids at all, they may feel pressured to start a family to please their parent.</div><div><br /></div><div>Overstreet said the codependent adult child might think, "Oh, wait a minute. What is wrong with me? Maybe I do need to have kids and put pressure on myself," even before they're ready.</div><p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-37333535535099563632020-09-09T09:32:00.001-05:002020-09-09T09:32:46.900-05:0015 Breakup Texts That Will Help You End Any Type of Relationship<p> <span style="box-sizing: inherit; font-family: var(--fontFamilySansSerif); font-weight: var(--fontWeightBold);">By </span><a class="Neu" href="https://www.bustle.com/profile/maria-yagoda-1907344" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer; font-family: var(--fontFamilySansSerif); font-weight: var(--fontWeightBold); margin-left: 0.1rem; overflow-wrap: break-word; text-decoration-line: none; transition: background var(--transitionHover);" target="_blank">Maria Yagoda</a><span style="background-color: white; font-family: var(--fontFamilySansSerif); font-weight: var(--fontWeightBold);"> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: var(--fontFamilySansSerif); font-weight: var(--fontWeightBold);">and</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: var(--fontFamilySansSerif); font-weight: var(--fontWeightBold);"> </span><a class="Neu" href="https://www.bustle.com/profile/carolyn-steber-1908755" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: 0px 0px; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer; font-family: var(--fontFamilySansSerif); font-weight: var(--fontWeightBold); margin-left: 0.1rem; overflow-wrap: break-word; text-decoration-line: none; transition: background var(--transitionHover);" target="_blank">Carolyn Steber</a></p><div class="KET" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; display: flex; font-family: var(--fontFamilySansSerif); font-weight: var(--fontWeightBold);"><div style="box-sizing: inherit;">Updated: </div><time datetime="2020-08-25T11:00:25.505Z" style="box-sizing: inherit;">Aug. 25, 2020</time><time datetime="2020-08-25T11:00:25.505Z" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><br /></time><time datetime="2020-08-25T11:00:25.505Z" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><br /></time><time datetime="2020-08-25T11:00:25.505Z" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><br /></time><time datetime="2020-08-25T11:00:25.505Z" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><br /></time><time datetime="2020-08-25T11:00:25.505Z" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><br /></time><time datetime="2020-08-25T11:00:25.505Z" style="box-sizing: inherit;"><br /></time></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7YCJn46GM7VByi1cn_87X7SHwV_3_gpvF01zCulNsSea0h-g7KsSYqs56f6aTDCWUPvwDaU6MpJOAqz4A8hvALwCfFg6SUmfTg7qh-i7IXtuTySRHkMgO4Df7vjER-GZQDaRGjdd0K9IG/s395/breakuptxts.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="273" data-original-width="395" height="345" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7YCJn46GM7VByi1cn_87X7SHwV_3_gpvF01zCulNsSea0h-g7KsSYqs56f6aTDCWUPvwDaU6MpJOAqz4A8hvALwCfFg6SUmfTg7qh-i7IXtuTySRHkMgO4Df7vjER-GZQDaRGjdd0K9IG/w500-h345/breakuptxts.PNG" width="500" /></a></div><p><br /></p><p>We all know the level of anguish that can be caused by ghosting; when someone <a href="https://www.bustle.com/articles/23033-the-ethics-of-the-fadeaway-is-it-ok-to-end-a-relationship-by-simply-ceasing-communication" target="_blank">abruptly cuts off communication with you,</a> and fades away without explanation. It's super rude, and it often leaves you wondering what happened, if they're OK, if you did something wrong — the list of concerns goes on and on.</p><p>And yet, however strongly you may feel about the <a href="https://www.bustle.com/articles/23033-the-ethics-of-the-fadeaway-is-it-ok-to-end-a-relationship-by-simply-ceasing-communication" target="_blank">ethics of the fadeaway </a>when it comes to people ghosting you, it's also easy to see why it's become a go-to <a href="https://www.bustle.com/p/the-best-way-to-break-up-with-someone-respectfully-according-to-experts-9283787" target="_blank">way to end a relationship</a>. Ghosting seems so much easier than trying to find the right words and letting someone down. When you're the one who wants to call things off, you may just find yourself ghosting, too.</p><p>The thing is, in the back of your head, you know it's worth it to do the hard, mature thing and at the very least send a text before parting ways. "Letting someone know shows respect to the other person and also allows you to develop clarity in your relationships," <a href="https://www.claritywiththerapy.com/about" target="_blank">Alex Ly, AMFT,</a> a marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle.</p><p>While it's best to end serious and longer-term relationships with a phone call or an in-person conversation, there are plenty of situations where a text is OK. It's always better than ghosting, and it'll help both you and the other person move on. Here, a few sample texts you can send to <a href="https://www.bustle.com/p/how-to-break-up-with-someone-in-the-digital-age-according-to-experts-18713023" target="_blank">end any relationship the right way</a>.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhbOMwsbp_Hi9GlcgK8hk1RoHJTKXYkDPmtlHoSo23FQBjuPwa_F12i5vOAlrOx_rDRl42tilu9DfGlsIU7_afNXdDVjLJ0iTezaH_qAledv8PlOQWfJ6joQy56wlRp1Eg2sOJgpwtvrUk/s828/b6c89308-5c15-4532-b020-abe06f82d4bd-shutterstock-1188429037.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="552" data-original-width="828" height="333" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhbOMwsbp_Hi9GlcgK8hk1RoHJTKXYkDPmtlHoSo23FQBjuPwa_F12i5vOAlrOx_rDRl42tilu9DfGlsIU7_afNXdDVjLJ0iTezaH_qAledv8PlOQWfJ6joQy56wlRp1Eg2sOJgpwtvrUk/w500-h333/b6c89308-5c15-4532-b020-abe06f82d4bd-shutterstock-1188429037.jpg" width="500" /></a></div><p><br /></p><h3 style="text-align: left;">1. When The Date Was Boring/Awkward</h3><p><b>Send this:</b> "Thanks for the drinks last night, but this doesn't feel like the right fit for me. I wish you well with future dates!"</p><p>If you go out with someone and realize you have absolutely nothing in common, that's OK. The whole point of dating is to meet up and see if you click, so if all you did was sit silently across from each other while picking at your food, send this simple text to wish them well — and move on.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">2. When They Were Really Nice But You Had Zero Chemistry</h3><p><b>Send this:</b> "You seem like a really great person, and I enjoyed meeting you so much. But, I don’t think that we are a match in a romantic way. I know you are someone else’s soulmate, and I know they are out there looking for you as well. Thank you for your time, and I wish you all the best on your path."</p><p>According to <a href="http://m.alisarubybash.com/" target="_blank">Dr. Alisa Ruby Bash, PsyD, LMFT</a>, a licensed marriage and family therapist, this is the perfect text to send to someone you didn't feel any special chemistry with, but who seemed like they were really trying.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">3. When You've Been On Two Or Three Dates</h3><p><b>Send this:</b> "Thanks for giving me a chance to get to know you better, but I think we are looking for different things at this time. I'm not interested in another date."</p><p>Even after a couple dates — though you're still a free agent and owe nothing to anyone — it's still considerate to take the 10 seconds and text something along these lines. According to Bash, all you need to do is thank them for the time and effort they put into meeting up, and continue on your merry way.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">4. When They Were Rude</h3><p><b>Send this:</b> "I just wanted to let you know that I did not feel comfortable with some of your behavior. It struck me as mean and rude and really did not sit well with me. I don’t think that we are a match. But thank you for your time and I wish you well."</p><p>Even a horrible date needs a clean, definitive ending, because the only thing worse than having wasted your time with someone who's rude is wasting your time for days to come as they continue to text and reach out. Bash suggests taking the high road by remaining civil, being honest, and letting them know you're done.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">5. When You've Already Hooked Up/Five Dates In</h3><p><b>Send this:</b> "It's been so fun hooking up the past few weeks, but I don't see this is going anywhere romantically. I'm looking for something more and I'm sure there is someone else out there, for both of us, who will be a better fit. Good luck!"</p><p>If you've done some sexy intimate things, but don't want to see the other person again, it's worth it to send a kind text or two before parting ways. Thank them for all the fun you had — or for their time, at the very least — and make it clear you don't want to continue moving the relationship forward. That way, you'll both be free to move on.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">6. When You've Just Been Texting/Zero Dates In</h3><p><b>Send this:</b> "Thanks so much for messaging back and forth! I know it's tough to get to know someone via chat, but it doesn't seem like we're a good match at this time. I'm not interested in meeting up, but hope that you find someone soon who is!"</p><p>While it's totally OK to just stop messaging someone, if all you've done is chat on a dating app, it is nice to send a quick message if they've been putting in a ton of effort, or have asked you out. That way you won't leave them hanging.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">7. When They're Coming On Too Strong</h3><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiklIr5t1XP77qzV46Ycy0G5ySwmk55GVYykcvk0a7pezPbBQcuqz0lCKYFlo3neu0REjqv2htB4tymuBhRWBXBCx-7bjpGIG5apc4ntsZFw0eKGCwwpTLNqRc7SrwUx8ZSP766d_5qE_Le/s828/27039309-4b4c-442e-9504-75f07164cd3f-shutterstock-1392623681.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="552" data-original-width="828" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiklIr5t1XP77qzV46Ycy0G5ySwmk55GVYykcvk0a7pezPbBQcuqz0lCKYFlo3neu0REjqv2htB4tymuBhRWBXBCx-7bjpGIG5apc4ntsZFw0eKGCwwpTLNqRc7SrwUx8ZSP766d_5qE_Le/w400-h266/27039309-4b4c-442e-9504-75f07164cd3f-shutterstock-1392623681.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div><br /></div><p><b>Send this:</b> "Thanks for your interest in getting to know me, but I don't want to meet up or continue to talk."</p><p>If someone is coming on too strong — texting you incessantly, begging to meet up, asking for photos, etc. — you need to be straightforward. Don't be vague or hint that you may be down to talk at some point in the future, as that will only keep the door open. Instead, put a stop to it with this text, and if need be, block their number.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">8. When You're Too Busy To Date</h3><p><b>Send this:</b> "I've really enjoyed going on dates with you, but my schedule is so full right now I won't have time to meet up again going forward. Maybe our paths will cross again in the future, when the timing is better. Until then, I wish you well."</p><p>If you have a lot going on, be honest about it with a text similar to this one. Who knows? You may be able to make it work at some point in the future.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">9. When It's Obvious They're Still Hung Up On Their Ex</h3><p><b>Send this:</b> "After getting to know you a bit more, it's obvious to me that you're not quite ready to date. It may not be my place to say this, but I've been in your shoes and know how important it is to take time to fully <a href="https://www.bustle.com/p/9-tips-for-dating-again-after-a-bad-breakup-according-to-experts-8962181" target="_blank">recover from a breakup before trying to date again</a>. I hope you can get to a good place soon, and find someone who makes you just as happy."</p><p>You don't want to get serious with someone who is trying to a) get over their ex, b) prove a point to their ex, or c) pretend you're their ex. If it's clear their head is stuck in the past, protect yourself by making it clear you're wary about the situation. As Bash says, it's often OK to send some light advice in this situation, as well, by providing a few helpful hints as to why you weren't interested. It's "good relationship karma," she says.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">10. When You're Drifting Apart</h3><p><b>Send this:</b> "It seems like our paths are going in different directions and I need to put all my focus on my own path. Pursuing a relationship isn't going to work out."</p><p>If you've been on a few dates, and can tells things are fizzling out, <a href="https://www.hope-therapy-center.com/" target="_blank">Jennie Marie Battistin, M.A., LMFT</a>, a licensed marriage and family therapist, suggests sending this text so you can cut ties and fully and officially move on.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">11. When They Cheated On You</h3><p><b>Send this:</b> "I really wish it wasn't ending this way, but I've lost all trust after learning that you cheated. Our relationship is over."</p><p>Battistin says this text works in situations where a partner has lied, cheated, or emotionally manipulated you. Of course, it can be tricky to call things off with a simple text, especially if you've been together a while, or are sharing an apartment. You may need to meet up or make a few phone calls, before truly parting ways. But according to Bash, in many cases, you don't owe a cheater or a liar much more than this.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">12. When You Just Want To Be Friends</h3><p><b>Send this:</b> "I've realized that my feelings for you are much stronger as a friend than as a romantic partner. Would you like to continue our relationship as friends going forward? I'd love to keep you in my life."</p><p>If you're serious about pursuing a friendship, instead of a relationship, this is a good way to get the conversation going.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">13. When You're In A Long-Distance Relationship</h3><p><b>Send this:</b> "I've realized the distance between us is too great and there is no immediate remedy. I am not built for a <a href="https://www.bustle.com/p/is-my-long-distance-relationship-working-how-to-know-its-time-to-break-up-according-to-experts-79458" target="_blank">long distance relationship</a>. I am sorry, I need to break this off and move on."</p><p>Sometimes a text like this one, according to Battistin, is the best way to end a long distance relationship, especially if you've spoken about it at length and they aren't handling it well. Seeing your thoughts written out in plain English may make the message clearer. Consider your unique situation, including how long you've been together, and see if a text like this one feels right.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">14. When They Won't Take A Hint</h3><p><b>Send this:</b> "While I know this may not feel like the best mode to receive this information, I felt that it was best for me to get my thoughts out clearly and leave you space to digest."</p><p>Sometimes, no matter the situation, acknowledging why you're sending a text is key. Say what you need to say in a message, and then offer a chance to follow up. From there, "explain how long you've been feeling this way as well as any feedback you feel is important to ensure a clean break,"<a href="https://www.jennifersilversheinlcsw.com/" target="_blank"> Jennifer Teplin, LCSW</a>, a licensed clinical social worker, tells Bustle. "Be sure to clarify how you want to move forward after sending the message to avoid many back-and-forths or unclear expectations."</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">15. When They're Controlling</h3><p><b>Send this:</b> "I’m writing to let you know that I am no longer comfortable or willing to remain in this relationship. Please respect my boundaries and preferences and understand that this is best for us to grow on our own and find individuals who support our needs."</p><p>According to Teplin, sometimes a text is the safest way to end a relationship, especially if you're removing yourself from a toxic situation. "I'd recommend sending something like that," she says. 'I ‘d also recommend if someone feels unsafe to have a ‘buddy’ there with them when they send the message for moral support."</p><p>In these tough or awkward situations, it can be <a href="https://www.bustle.com/p/is-ghosting-ever-ok-11-people-who-support-the-disappearing-act-18711975" target="_blank">tempting to ghost someone</a>. But taking the time to send a text is often worth it. Not only will it make it clear you're moving on, but it lets the other person know where your head is at so they can do the same.</p><p><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; font-family: UntitledSerif, serif; font-size: 18.4px; grid-column: main / main; margin-bottom: var(--mobiledocSpacing); margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><em style="box-sizing: inherit;">Experts:</em></p><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; font-family: UntitledSerif, serif; font-size: 18.4px; grid-column: main / main; margin-bottom: var(--mobiledocSpacing); margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><em style="box-sizing: inherit;"><a class="" href="https://www.claritywiththerapy.com/about" rel="noreferrer" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: linear-gradient(to right,var(--slot3) 33%,rgba(255,255,255,0) 0); background-origin: initial; background-position: center bottom; background-repeat: repeat-x; background-size: 6px 2px; box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding-bottom: 0.2em; text-decoration-line: none; transition: all 0.2s ease 0s;" target="_blank">Alex Ly, AMFT</a>, marriage and family therapist</em></p><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; font-family: UntitledSerif, serif; font-size: 18.4px; grid-column: main / main; margin-bottom: var(--mobiledocSpacing); margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><em style="box-sizing: inherit;"><a class="" href="http://m.alisarubybash.com/" rel="noreferrer" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: linear-gradient(to right,var(--slot3) 33%,rgba(255,255,255,0) 0); background-origin: initial; background-position: center bottom; background-repeat: repeat-x; background-size: 6px 2px; box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding-bottom: 0.2em; text-decoration-line: none; transition: all 0.2s ease 0s;" target="_blank">Dr. Alisa Ruby Bash, Psy.D., LMFT</a>, licensed marriage and family therapist</em></p><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; font-family: UntitledSerif, serif; font-size: 18.4px; grid-column: main / main; margin-bottom: var(--mobiledocSpacing); margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><em style="box-sizing: inherit;"><a class="" href="https://www.hope-therapy-center.com/" rel="noreferrer" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: linear-gradient(to right,var(--slot3) 33%,rgba(255,255,255,0) 0); background-origin: initial; background-position: center bottom; background-repeat: repeat-x; background-size: 6px 2px; box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding-bottom: 0.2em; text-decoration-line: none; transition: all 0.2s ease 0s;" target="_blank">Jennie Marie Battistin, M.A., LMFT</a>, licensed marriage and family therapist</em></p><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; font-family: UntitledSerif, serif; font-size: 18.4px; grid-column: main / main; margin-bottom: var(--mobiledocSpacing); margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><em style="box-sizing: inherit;"><a class="" href="https://www.jennifersilversheinlcsw.com/" rel="noreferrer" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: linear-gradient(to right,var(--slot3) 33%,rgba(255,255,255,0) 0); background-origin: initial; background-position: center bottom; background-repeat: repeat-x; background-size: 6px 2px; box-sizing: inherit; cursor: pointer; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding-bottom: 0.2em; text-decoration-line: none; transition: all 0.2s ease 0s;" target="_blank">Jennifer Teplin, LCSW</a>, licensed clinical social worker</em></p><p><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-80685422545814581052020-09-09T09:12:00.002-05:002020-09-09T09:12:45.011-05:00How to Deal with Gaslighting and Stop Your Manipulator in Their Tracks<p> <span class="byline-by" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #2d2d2d; font-family: freight-display-pro; font-size: 17.5px; line-height: 22px; margin: 0px;">By</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span class="article-header-author" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><a data-gae-action="author" data-gae-category="surround_article" data-gae-label="Sarah Stiefvater" data-gae-track="event" href="https://www.purewow.com/contributor/sarah-stiefvater" style="background: 0px 0px transparent; box-sizing: border-box; color: #ee4f4f; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank"><span class="author-name" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; color: #f27676; font-family: freight-display-pro, serif; font-size: 17.5px; letter-spacing: 0px; line-height: 29px;">Sarah Stiefvater</span> </a></span><span class="date-spacer" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: gainsboro; font-family: brandon-grotesque; font-size: 12.5px; line-height: 16px; padding: 0px 2px;">|</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span class="article-header-date" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; color: #2d2d2d; font-family: freight-display-pro, serif; font-size: 17.5px; letter-spacing: 0px; line-height: 29px;">Aug. 27, 2020</span></p><div><div class="date-time-wrapper" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; display: inline;"><span class="article-header-date" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 17.5px; line-height: 29px;"><span style="color: #2d2d2d; font-family: freight-display-pro, serif;"><div>Though it can take many different forms, at its core, gaslighting is a communication technique in which someone causes you to question your own version of past events. Most times, it’s meant to make you feel like you’re losing your grip on reality. In its milder forms, gaslighting creates an unequal power dynamic in a relationship. But at its worst, gaslighting can actually be considered a form of mind-control and psychological abuse.</div><div><br /></div><div>The phrase originated from a 1938 mystery thriller, Gas Light, written by British playwright Patrick Hamilton. The play was later made into a popular movie starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. In the film, husband Gregory manipulates his adoring wife Paula into believing she can no longer trust her own perceptions of reality.</div><div><br /></div><div>Gaslighting can occur in all types of relationships, from a "friend" telling you you're overreacting about them gossiping about you behind your back to a co-worker insisting that he's doing all of your team's work (when, in fact, you're the one working overtime). If you suspect someone is gaslighting you—whether it’s a supervisor at work, friend or spouse—here are seven ways to cope.</div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpmSPtyzl3r9mPgJsBkNugymbspC7-aLIZEZfax-apfxZdW89CCyAieeKRiyNVorMtScopn1Ra6PY4Cvt_LXdKrOiGIz7qr8-aqBjcGeMN3CpHI1yXg1C_n1xRtjStRFtGZcmtHIZDq2wF/s728/how-to-deal-with-gaslighting-cat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="524" data-original-width="728" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpmSPtyzl3r9mPgJsBkNugymbspC7-aLIZEZfax-apfxZdW89CCyAieeKRiyNVorMtScopn1Ra6PY4Cvt_LXdKrOiGIz7qr8-aqBjcGeMN3CpHI1yXg1C_n1xRtjStRFtGZcmtHIZDq2wF/w500-h360/how-to-deal-with-gaslighting-cat.jpg" width="500" /></a></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">1. Try to Recognize What’s Happening</h3><div>Gaslighting works best when a victim isn’t aware of what’s going on. Once you understanding what’s happening, you’ll be better equipped to prepare to fight back, or at least call the gaslighter out on their behavior, which might throw them off their game, or make them reconsider you as a prime target. If you suspected someone is gaslighting you, educate yourself about what gaslighting is, the tactics a gaslighter uses and ways to handle it. <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gaslighting#leaving-a-gaslighter" target="_blank">Psychology Today</a> is an excellent resource for articles written by mental health professionals. </div><h3 style="text-align: left;">2. Confront Them About Their Behavior</h3><div>Once you’ve studied up on the motivations behind and tactics used in gaslighting, it's time to take action. As mentioned, gaslighting works best when the victim is in the dark about what’s going on. If you feel comfortable doing so, let the person who’s gaslighting you know that you see what they’re doing, and you’re not going to stand for it. If you show that you’re onto them, they might decide the payoff isn’t worth the struggle. But be aware that how you call someone out is crucial. Instead of getting heated and going into attack mode, try to call your gaslighter out calmly. This will show them that, in addition to understanding what they’re up to, you’re also not riled up about the situation.</div><h3 style="text-align: left;">3. Compile Proof</h3><div>Because the main goal of gaslighting is to make you feel like you’ve lost touch with reality, it’s important to keep a record of things as they happen, to return to as proof when you start to doubt your own memory. When it comes to proof, the <a href="https://www.thehotline.org/2019/11/22/a-deeper-look-into-gaslighting/" target="_blank">National Domestic Violence Hotline </a>recommends keeping a journal with dates, times and as many details as possible, in addition to confiding in a trusted family member or friend.</div><h3 style="text-align: left;">4. Decide Whether the Relationship Is Worth It</h3><div>Clearly every relationship is different, but if you think gaslighting is in play, it’s always worth a check-in. If you’re experiencing gaslighting at work, it might be time to look for another job. If a friend is gaslighting you, it might be time to move on from that friendship. If the person gaslighting you is a family member or someone you’re in a romantic relationship with, it can be trickier to make a clean break. First steps might include the services of a therapist or couples counselor.</div><h3 style="text-align: left;">5. Lean on Friends and Family</h3><div>Though it’s often the goal of a gaslighter to isolate you from the people who care about you, having other people to confide in is crucial. In addition to acting as a sounding board, a friend or family member is an unbiased third party who can reality check the situation and remind you that what you’re feeling isn’t “crazy” or “exaggerated.”</div><h3 style="text-align: left;">6. Prioritize Self Care</h3><div>Worrying about gaslighting can creep into pretty much every area of your life, making it tough to enjoy even your favorite people, places or things. Because it takes such a huge toll on your mental health, self-care is paramount. By focusing on yourself, you’ll feel more capable of standing up for yourself and dealing with all the challenges life is throwing at you. From writing gratitude lists to watching motivational TED Talks, here are <a href="https://www.purewow.com/wellness/free-ways-to-practice-self-care" target="_blank">dozens of super-simple ways to practice self-care.</a></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">7. Seek Professional Help</h3><div>Some gaslighting situations are easier to leave than others, and romantic relationships are one of the tougher ones. If you suspect there’s gaslighting going on in your relationship, seek out the help of a licensed therapist—specifically someone who specializes in relationship therapy—who can help you define what you’re going through and help you get past it. Depending on the severity of your situation, you can also call the National Abuse Hotline at 800-799-7233 for urgent help.</div></span></span></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-88697470756053461402020-09-09T08:58:00.001-05:002020-09-09T08:58:34.402-05:007 Key Ways That Sensitive Empaths Feel Things A Little Differently<p>September 2, 2020 — 11:03 AM</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg17XpeItIinjtQW8M-FxAgI-j3PLMWins69_AdU9G_XH7-XvAkUanFa7Aoe1GetestjKdb3k4bzuIq7fsI0qchPyN73QJi0QMiDij9N3I9nv8SXn0eugJm4A7F7qGWq5G4o9YsLgzXu5LJ/s1384/Capture.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="762" data-original-width="1384" height="275" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg17XpeItIinjtQW8M-FxAgI-j3PLMWins69_AdU9G_XH7-XvAkUanFa7Aoe1GetestjKdb3k4bzuIq7fsI0qchPyN73QJi0QMiDij9N3I9nv8SXn0eugJm4A7F7qGWq5G4o9YsLgzXu5LJ/w500-h275/Capture.PNG" width="500" /></a></div><br /><p>Are you strongly affected by the energy of spaces, groups of people, and individuals? When you're around someone who is experiencing intense emotions like elation or anxiety, do you feel their emotions in your own system and body? If you don't get enough time to retreat and recharge, can you feel scattered, overwhelmed, or drained? Is it easy for you to understand someone else's perspective or emotional experience, even when they don't communicate it? Do you feel emotions deeply, and are you deeply moved by music, stories in books or movies, or inspiring things you witness in the world?</p><p>If you answered yes to several of these questions, you're probably an empath, someone who is wired to feel not only your own energy and emotions but also the energies and emotions of those around you. Perhaps you were a sensitive child, or you might have awakened to this sensitivity later in life. Below we'll explore the root of your sensitivity and how being an empath makes you a little different from friends, family, and colleagues who are not as sensitive:</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">1. Your energetic and emotional systems are hyper-perceptive.</h3><p>You might have a good friend who can go from big meeting to big meeting, or party to party, and never feel drained. Yet you need more space to retreat in between events. That's because your hyper-perceptive system is picking up on more—what other people are saying but also what they are feeling as well as the collective energy of the room.</p><p>You simply have more to process at the end than your less sensitive friend. It can often take sensitive people longer to let their systems idle back into neutral after the stimulation of big events or any interaction where the emotions and energies were high or intense. If you had an action-packed day interacting with lots of people—in person, over Zoom, or over email—indulge in some low-stimulation activities at night like putting together a puzzle with the kids or reading quietly before bed.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">2. Your physical body might be more sensitive too. </h3><p>For some empaths, their energetic and emotional sensitivity extends to their physical bodies. You might feel the effects of substances like alcohol or caffeine more strongly than your friends, for instance. Or you might be more sensitive than others in your office to temperature changes in the room or loud noises outside. </p><p>Every empath is unique and will have a different threshold for physical stimuli. Your threshold might change throughout your life, depending on your circumstances. You might find a loud and busy hospital overwhelming at first, but six months into the job develop a tolerance to it. Or you might be temporarily unnerved by stimuli—like fast, aggressive music—you used to enjoy because your system is temporarily overwhelmed because your sensitivity is experiencing a growth spurt.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">3. Physical spaces, and how they are maintained, have a huge effect on your energy. </h3><p>Many empaths prefer clean, tidy spaces. Soft sounds, beautiful surroundings, and comfortable furniture can make an empath's sensitive system purr happily! Empaths may be able to walk into a space and feel some of the unseen and silent vibe too—like if someone who lives or works in the space has been depressed or content. If you are known as being "picky" about physical spaces, blame it on your empath sensitivity!</p><p>Let roommates, partners, and family members know that physical spaces, and how they are maintained, is important to you. After physical cleanings, perform an energy clearing of your space with a bell, aromatherapy spray, or sage smoke, and see if this helps the vibes. Keep in mind that digital spaces—like certain websites and social media feeds—also affect you.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">4. Learning how to mindfully tune out of others is a skill you have to acquire and hone. </h3><p>The cardinal trait of an empath is being naturally wired to feel the energies and emotions of others as the empath's own. If you were a machine, it would be your default setting to tune in to others this way. It's a lovely ability that allows empaths to connect profoundly with the world around them. Yet it can also be very overstimulating if empaths don't learn tools to engage witnessing energy so they can observe others from a more detached, neutral place. In my book Self-Care for Empaths, I give empaths the knowledge and techniques to more mindfully tune in or out of others.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">5. Being caring and compassionate might come naturally to you because you feel with people. </h3><p>When you can feel someone else's joy or pain in your own system, as if it were your own experience, it can lead you to be quite tenderhearted. Empaths can feel so much, that it's important they learn how to connect with and support themselves so they don't enter burnout. When you are too much in another's emotional experience or all your energy is going out to others, it could eventually make you quite bitter, cranky, and not very compassionate at all! The most compassionate thing an empath can do is to put themselves first—then they'll have more reserves and stamina to be a force of compassion for others. Remember that just because you can feel other people’s emotions does not make you responsible for their emotions, so avoid rescuing, codependency, and people-pleasing. Develop methods for processing your own emotions to stay centered and grounded, so you know what's yours and what is someone else's in emotional territory.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">6. You're strong in the clairsentient psychic pathway, but you may be strong in others as well.</h3><p>An empath's sensitivity makes them very intuitive. Clairsentience is the psychic pathway of feeling intuitive information—feeling emotions, energies, or even physical sensations—and an empath's go-to, but it's only one of four main psychic pathways. You might also be able to hear intuitive guidance as a gentle voice in your mind (clairaudience), see intuitive guidance as an image in your mind (clairvoyance), or know intuitive guidance as a breakthrough thought or mental download (claircognizance). Know that with practice and understanding, your particular type of intuition can increase dramatically over time.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">7. You are sensitive to collective energy.</h3><p>This could be the collective energy of a grocery store, a city, or a culture. Empaths are also sensitive to changes with the earth as well as the astrological weather (like the sun entering a new zodiac sign or a planet going retrograde). You might be exposed to collective energy directly (like shopping at that bustling grocery store) or indirectly (like waking up feeling off or down and then reading in the news about an event that happened far away).</p><p>Develop daily, weekly, and monthly grounding routines that keep you centered in your own energy—like meditating each morning, listening to the same upbeat podcast every week, or meeting a friend for dinner once a month—to feel stable no matter what the collective energy is doing. You can use your sensitivity to collective energy to your advantage to court energy you'd like to experience, like visiting a spiritual center or quiet bookstore when you want to calm down, or sitting at an outdoor beer garden or visiting a dog park when you want to feel more enlivened. Your sensitivity to collective energy could inspire you to become an activist for important causes.</p><p><br /></p><p><a href="https://www.mindbodygreen.com/wc/tanya-carroll-richardson" target="_blank">Tanya Carroll Richardson</a></p><p><a href="https://www.mindbodygreen.com/wc/tanya-carroll-richardson" target="_blank">mbg Contributor</a></p><p>Tanya Carroll Richardson is a professional intuitive, giving readings to clients all over the world. She’s also the author of seven nonfiction books including Angel Intuition, Are You... </p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-88357644377742460912020-09-06T09:08:00.002-05:002020-09-06T09:08:40.307-05:00'I Know Narcissists. Here Are Four Signs You're Dating One'<h3 style="text-align: left;"> DR. MARIETTE JANSEN</h3><p>ON 9/6/20 AT 6:31 AM EDT</p><p>I grew up with narcissists around me, and my struggles dealing with this led me to become a psychotherapist and life coach later in life. Only in recent years, after delving deeper into narcissism, have I discovered the full implications of interacting, on a personal and romantic level, with those who have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Through my work, I am now helping others who are victims of narcissists.</p><p>I trained as a psychotherapist, and though I primarily work as a life coach now, I have worked with clients who were looking to heal from their dysfunctional families and some who were in relationships with people who were displaying many signs of NPD. My awareness of NPD started with personal experiences, where I tried to find answers about my situation. When I was training there was no particular course available on how to deal with NPD, and at that time I had never heard the word narcissist.</p><p>Through researching information available, I discovered that a way to recovery could be through understanding the damage narcissists can do, building up self-esteem and taking control. I designed a coaching programme to support victims of narcissism, which combines a checklist of traits, shows how these narcissistic traits affect the victim in an emotional, mental and behavioural way and provides techniques on how to deal with narcissists, while keeping yourself safe from their influence.</p><p>Not understanding healthy love when I was growing up meant that I accepted emotionally abusive behaviour as the norm. I recognize now that as an adult, I became involved in relationships with narcissists, and I never thought it was strange that I was put down or had to go out of my way to please my partner.</p><p>As I grew older, I continued to attract many people into my life that I strongly believe were narcissists. But after a lifetime of "fighting" narcissism and then learning about narcissism from the perspective of a psychotherapist, I can now recognize the signs of those who may have NPD very quickly. I have seen victims of narcissistic abuse who have shown Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (Complex PTSD) with symptoms such as fear, mistrust and self-destructive behaviour. And looking back at my different boyfriends, I can immediately identify many of the warning signs of narcissistic behavior.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJlNSistRwhqivqFmtSycfqyoRMeDzujeyUfnSdqHhtWZjGo9Cl7Su82pqLNFkl3K4A7sqlutnfQENs8ydMrTer-qdYTw1Bf-JsWxSRfm4UJVcP7AS-gaxUTe97Bmht1yk4d5CN-fRs5-c/s790/narcissism-relationships-dating-narcissist.webp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="527" data-original-width="790" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJlNSistRwhqivqFmtSycfqyoRMeDzujeyUfnSdqHhtWZjGo9Cl7Su82pqLNFkl3K4A7sqlutnfQENs8ydMrTer-qdYTw1Bf-JsWxSRfm4UJVcP7AS-gaxUTe97Bmht1yk4d5CN-fRs5-c/s320/narcissism-relationships-dating-narcissist.webp" width="320" /></a></div><p>The American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) describes nine traits that are used to define NPD, and these include lack of empathy, envy, a need for admiration, self-importance and a preoccupation with ideal love or brilliance.</p><p>The examples I give below are from a few different relationships and some of the clients I have worked with, and they indicate signs that a partner may show if they are someone with NPD.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">1. The relationship is not about you, it's all about them.</h3><p>In my experience, narcissists are interested in talking about themselves and they will bring the discussion back to them, so it's something you'll likely see within the relationship. This self-importance and grandiose behavior is typical of narcissists. It demonstrates that the world revolves around them and that their interest is not in you but in themselves. If I spoke about my day at work, certain partners would quickly turn the conversation to be about their day. If I described a problem, their problem would immediately overtake mine.</p><p>It also played out in how they loved spending money on themselves, but not on me. In one relationship, my partner had a real sense of entitlement. He expected the moon and more, wouldn't think of thanking me for it and never reciprocated. I never received a special birthday or Christmas present, but this partner would get really angry if I hadn't arranged something special for him.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">2. They continuously put you down and gaslight you.</h3><p>Through my relationships and work, I noticed that narcissists always have to be "better" than those they are in relationships with. I remember having had a job interview, coming back home and wanting to talk it through. The job was quite prestigious and I know now that he wasn't too pleased about that. It put him in a slightly "lesser" position in his imagined hierarchy, when narcissists typically believe they are the special ones. Whatever I told him about what I had said, he laughed and said it was the wrong answer and that I had really messed up the interview. I felt horrible at that time and couldn't believe when I actually got the job.</p><p>One of my clients, who I believe was dating a narcissist, told me she had gotten to the point where she didn't recognise herself anymore. She told me she had previously been so confident, but that had disappeared. She was madly in love with someone she described as a "beautiful man who had a successful job." She moved in with him after six weeks. But soon after that she started to doubt herself as she "couldn't do anything right for him."</p><p>Narcissists <a href="https://www.newsweek.com/i-work-narcissists-1522991" target="_blank">often start relationships seeming wonderful and "love-bombing" their partner, but soon they see flaws they want to "fix"</a>. He told her she wore the wrong clothes, didn't earn enough, was mediocre and one day when she disagreed he called her a psychopath.</p><p>I have experienced partners who simply denied that things happened, when I knew 100 percent that they had taken place. But I would doubt myself, and over time this behaviour reduced my confidence to below zero. Whenever I felt strong, I would challenge these behaviours, but I would get laughed at and told I had, "such a bad memory."</p><p>This behaviour in a relationship is symptomatic of gaslighting—a form of psychological abuse in which narcissists use lies and false information to erode their victims' belief in their own judgement and, ultimately, their sanity.</p><p>Gaslighting, like myself an my client were experiencing, creates <a href="https://www.britannica.com/science/cognitive-dissonance" target="_blank">cognitive dissonance</a>— because of the confusion between what they believe about themselves and the information they are receiving from their partner. My client was a bundle of nerves and felt worthless. She initially came to change herself, because she thought it was all her fault, but I helped her to realize that this was likely narcissistic behavior on the part of her partner, and that it was her destroyed sense of self that needed rebuilding.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEpRkqJM6AwFOV9XTSJ7AyzAfnX77MD-Sia2qVGVQPVp-9l3FCBB1W1ccFa1E7cX_cg9kUMIb-I6JC5B3__IdQAV-4Yv1xdIIG91YfoWF4oAGklQwvMytqVwWWnlZjCuXjFau8quL6Phrn/s790/narcissism-relationships-dating-narcissist+%25281%2529.webp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="790" data-original-width="790" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEpRkqJM6AwFOV9XTSJ7AyzAfnX77MD-Sia2qVGVQPVp-9l3FCBB1W1ccFa1E7cX_cg9kUMIb-I6JC5B3__IdQAV-4Yv1xdIIG91YfoWF4oAGklQwvMytqVwWWnlZjCuXjFau8quL6Phrn/s320/narcissism-relationships-dating-narcissist+%25281%2529.webp" /></a></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">3. You feel uneasy in their presence.</h3><p>If you are feeling really uncomfortable because you never know what mood your partner will be in, you may well be dating a narcissist. Narcissists need to feel superior, admired and in control. Mood swings can give them control, but leaves their partners in a bubble of fear. The hyper-vigilance of the victim is part of what is called <a href="https://pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2019/12/common-traits-of-narcissists/" target="_blank">narcissistic supply</a>: it is a form of attention that the narcissist needs.</p><p>In my experiences, narcissists can seem warm and loving in relationships, but within seconds be in a foul mood. Sometimes I would receive a compliment, but it would quickly be followed by a nasty remark. Once, I was told by a partner that my hair looked great, but that it was a shame it was such a lousy colour.</p><p>Narcissists also typically can't handle any form of criticism, and disagreement for them is equal to rejection and destroys their sense of superiority. In turn, this evokes fear. Fear leads to anger and <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25545840/" target="_blank">narcissistic rage</a>. This is intense anger, aggression, or passive-aggression where they lash out at their victims. Narcissistic rage is the behaviour that a narcissist shows when they are scared of being exposed as, say, not as "perfect" as they perceive themselves to be.</p><h3 style="text-align: left;">4. They have no empathy or emotional awareness.</h3><p>I found, in my relationships with narcissists and people who displayed narcissistic behaviors, that a lack of empathy was a huge problem. This lack is a trait that is commonly associated with narcissists.</p><p>An example of this from my relationships was that practical projects were always fine, but the moment I wanted to talk about emotions I would be called "hysterical" and ignored. If those emotions were connected to our relationship, my partners would show even less empathy. Another example of this trait was displayed when one of my girlfriends was in hospital after an accident. I just wanted some comfort, but my partner at the time was simply unable to provide it.</p><p>The above signs could indicate you are involved with someone who has NPD, but of course, it could equally mean that they are just an unpleasant person.</p><p>Are you someone who accommodates others, puts them first, ignores your own needs, feels you want to make life better for others, feels insecure and takes the blame? You might find yourself in an unhealthy relationship because you are not valuing yourself enough to notice the signs of emotional abuse. If you find you are prepared to put up with someone's unreasonable behaviour, because you don't believe you deserve better, it might be worth seeking some advice or help.</p><p>Whether you are dealing with a narcissistic partner or not, I would say that the biggest warning sign and bright red flag is how you feel in the relationship. If you are uncomfortable it means you don't trust, don't feel accepted or are seen for who you are and you are walking on a path that will never lead to a happy, healthy relationship.</p><p><br /></p><p>Dr. Mariette Jansen is a psychotherapist, life coach and author of best selling self help book "From Victim to Victor – Narcissism Survival Guide", which is available via <a href="http://amazon.com/" target="_blank">amazon.com</a> and <a href="http://amazon.co.uk" target="_blank">amazon.co.uk</a>. Jansen has a P.h.D. in interpersonal communication from the University of Utrecht and trained in psychotherapy at London Metropolitan University. You can find more about her work at <a href="https://drdestress.co.uk/meet-mariette-jansen/" target="_blank">drdestress.co.uk</a>.</p><p><br /></p><p>All views expressed in this piece are the writer's own.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-39072806014521678582019-06-24T13:28:00.000-05:002019-06-24T13:28:07.930-05:00Gitz-Meier /RestoreX Remodeling Rip-off<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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11 years ago Gitz-Meier was brought in to do restorative work after a fire. Being a full time mother, IT Specialist and student, I rely on the experts to do their job and do it right! Here's another fine example of taking ADVANTAGE of a female in a trusting and vulnerable position. Now that the scam has been uncovered I'M PISSED and rightfully so!<br />
I had a fire in the attic, the house was doused in hundreds of gallons of water from the top down on the west side. A traumatic experience on many levels to begin with ... Gitz-Meier has made sure that trauma follows me down the road!<br />
Being new why would a homeowner rip the new work contractors did all apart? So I trusted they did the work they were supposed to, because it's not my job to do their job. I was busy being a mom, a student and a working, productive member of society. Now that I'm doing renovation work I find that walls which should have been replaced were merely coated with the absolute thinnest cement board I've ever seen, thin enough I thought at first all they did was schlock a coat of spackle on the entire walls! After these walls were doused, Gitz-Meier's interpretation of "restoration" was to leave the soaked walls, the soaked cement baord, the soaked panels and just paste up the cheapest, thinnest cement board over it all!!!!!<br />
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Of course the attic ... they didn't do anything with the walls, cement board or OSB that was DIRECTLY HIT with water to douse the fire.<br />
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The water that ran down into the kitchen, the porch, the bathroom .... just a coat of paint. On top of this they didn't use paint rated for bathrooms! It's really NOT that expensive!!!! Where were the brains of this project? Up someone's ass?<br />
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Restoration work post fire damage should include removal of all water damaged materials and replaced!!!!! Ever hear of mold???????<br />
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All they did was cosmetic work!!!! Nothing substantial, nothing restorative!!!! The electrician worked harder than they did and took less time! Who made out like a bandit on this? Gitz-Meier? The insurance company? Both? How many other people have they cheated? I can be pretty sure plenty!! Does one really expect a full time working, newly traumatized homeowner, single mother and full time student to be held accountable for their shitty work? Was supposed to go to contractor school and squeeze that in somewhere among my volunteer work to make sure they did what they were supposed to do? Where is the fucking recourse here?<br />
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They also busted the tile that was on my bathroom sink, only apologized and never came back to replace it!!!!!<br />
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Shall we mention the contractor who, every time I came home, all he was doing was slowly hand cleaning a fan he found somewhere, sitting around and making googly eyes at me? What the hell? I complained, the kid was removed .... but very unprofessional!!!<br />
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STAY AWAY FROM GITZ-MEIER / RESTOREX unless you have money to waste, and lots of it!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-84258620132109990342019-02-09T10:38:00.003-06:002019-02-09T10:47:16.966-06:00Drunken Student Loans<div class="_2cuy _3dgx _2vxa" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #1d2129; direction: ltr; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; margin: 0px auto 28px; overflow-wrap: break-word; white-space: pre-wrap; width: 700px;">
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There's student loan assistance for alcoholics in training. Just look to the Natty Light campaign ready to fork over $10 million dollars in student aid. Catch is you have to be young, willing to do a video and drink lots of beer, or buy lots of beer and convince others to drink it. Definitely far too much to cook with. I'm not an alcoholic, I'm not young and I am not photogenic. I'd never heard of Natural Light beer before, I wasn't even sure it was sold in Illinois, until I found cases of it sitting in the corner of a local gas station. I wandered over to the small pile and actually pondered buying a couple cases. It's cheap beer. Still a gamble and I'm also not a gambling person by nature. In the end, I walked away, miffed by the thought that this company is essentially bribing broke students desperate to pay their student loan debt by encouraging them to become alcoholic gamblers. No thanks.</div>
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There's student loan assistance for students entering the NHS field. This I can look at as either a bribe to work in the health industry field, or a bribe to enter a field becoming more and more litigious as years creep by. Working in the health industry is fraught with lawsuits, AI taking over where physicians and therapists can no longer touch their patients and patients are getting more frustrated with computers taking over their visits instead of the healthcare provider being wholly present. </div>
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You can receive loan forgiveness if you work for the government. We just recently saw how truly detrimental that could be. What happens to those who work for the government, were out of work and have now missed one or two payments? There won't be forgiveness, the agreement gets nullified on one missed payment. No excuses.</div>
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Myriads of other programs stick students in low paying jobs while struggling to pay down their debt waiting for forgiveness to kick in. Yet others offer you to trade in your vacation sick days to relieve you of one week salary toward your student loan. While it's better than no help, it's pretty darn close. Those vacations are necessary time off to recharge, rejuvenate and come back to work refreshed and ready to go. Trade those in for a small payment towards your student loan and the detrimental side effects are priceless.</div>
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Then we come to my bias: I read how there's a huge struggle engaging more women in the STEM fields. I read and hear in my industry how there's a shortage of cybersecurity professionals, there's STILL a shortage of women in the field and getting students engaged in this growing field is a constant struggle. So where are the employers in cybersecurity offering student loan assistance? Employers who aren't the federal government? Where are the employers who want forensic experience, training and reliability but who also want to support their charges by assisting with the student loan debt incurred to help the industry grow and improve? Certainly not in the headlines trying to make alcoholic gamblers out of today's youth. Not in any headlines. </div>
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There isn't much talk about how parent student loans affect their children either. Even though I have crushing student debt, her financial aid won't take that into consideration. Nor will scholarship applications. Those points are blind to the fact that 1/3 of my income will be going to pay my own loans. No, to apply for scholarships or aid, the only thing taken into consideration is my income as a whole. So now my child suffers because I wanted a higher education to provide better. How fair is this? How encouraging is this to the youth of today that want to better their futures with an education? I would say, not very, as a matter of fact it's fairly stifling. Much like the entire student debt fiasco.</div>
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Sincerely,</div>
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A Student Loaned (Eina)</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-47031014015305693562018-09-05T21:31:00.001-05:002018-09-05T23:58:54.422-05:00From Hero to Zero<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">On my journey through healing and moving on, I came across the piece below. It really does hit the nail on the head. I recall many occasions hearing how he would drop everything and help someone out, even if it cost him time and money. This was the point where I attempted a discussion on boundaries (bad idea, don't try this maneuver, don't teach a narc adult basic human decency, it won't turn out well). He would get angry when, because he did so and so a favor the exact time they needed it, they wouldn't drop everything they were doing right now and help him. Plan ahead???? Pfft ... for shame the thought should cross your mind!!!! I saw many people landing on his shit list because ... gasp .... they have boundaries. Much like myself.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Credit for this wonderful piece of work goes to</span><br />
<span style="color: #999999; font-size: 11.04px;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Updated on December 19, 2017</span></span><br />
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<a class="more" href="https://pairedlife.com/problems/Recognizing-The-Hero-Narcissist#" rel="nofollow" style="color: #666666; font-size: 0.8em; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span class="author_primary_name" style="color: #6ea6af; font-size: 1.6em; font-weight: bold;">The Little Shaman</span> </span></a><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The Little Shaman is a spiritual counselor, hypnotherapy practitioner, and a specialist in Cluster B personality disorders.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The Hero Narcissist is the type of narcissist who is invested in being the hero. The savior, the good guy, the fixer, the problem solver. Unlike most narcissists, the hero narcissist doesn't engage in overtly abusive behavior most of the time. They often appear concerned, compassionate and helpful. They are often extremely manipulative and use guilt, fear and something we can call "kindness bullying."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Kindness bullying would be using statements that sound compassionate or considerate to get people to do something. An example of this could be "Stop being so selfish and let me help you," or "If you love me, you would let me do this." These types of statements may or may not be well-intentioned, but trying to force someone to accept something through manipulation of their feelings is not OK. Many people may not even recognize that this in fact is manipulation, and it can be tricky to pinpoint someone else's motivations, so the rule of thumb would be that no means no. If someone says no, then regardless of how much help may be needed, it's no. Most people will respect the word no, even if they don't like it. Narcissists will not. They will simply keep pushing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">(<i><span style="color: blue;">Yes they do, couching it in kinds terms, sometimes even making a point to let you know there are no ulterior motives. Don't believe it for a second.</span></i>)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This is the type of personality we often see involved with charitable organizations, causes, churches and cults. A lot of people ask if the current inculcation of so-called social justice warriors are narcissistic. While of course they certainly are not all narcissists, some narcissists do gravitate toward causes and charitable situations for attention, power and fame. Victims have been bestowed with special status in our society in some ways and you can expect to see a few narcissists hiding among the actual victims in these situations. Maybe more than a few. No one can turn a noble cause into personal gain faster than a narcissist. This is unfortunately something we see all the time. Well-meaning causes are co-opted by narcissists and psychopaths every day.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">(<i><span style="color: blue;">Mine would use religion when it seemed an appropriate thing to do. Not because he understood or was sincere. </span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="color: blue;">His only purpose for volunteering would be for accolades, adulation and adoration. Once those dry up or are turned to someone else, he loses interest. (I've seen this anomaly.)</span></i>)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There is also the smaller-scale hero narcissist. This is the person who, while not preying on strangers for attention or money or some kind of personal gain, will often be the indispensable member of the family or group of friends or workforce, the one who insists on taking over everything and "fixing things." These are people who are generally not asked or invited to help, but who barge in anyway, insisting there is a problem that needs to be solved - and that only they can do it for whatever reason. They may even covertly create problems just so they can "fix" them and remind everyone how much they are needed. The abuse from these people is subtle, and usually involves creating situations where people are forced to rely on them or feel guilty not involving them. Others may even believe that the hero narcissist really IS a hero. It takes careful observation sometimes to realize that their motivations are actually all about themselves, not the greater good or the well-being of other people. Ironically, often the only time you will see overt abuse from these people is when they are not permitted to help. If they cannot be the savior, they are being denied their opportunity to shine and they don't like that at all.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">While most hero narcissists bask in the positive attention and glory of being the savior, there are those who complain nonstop about it and seem to bear their self-imposed burden with extremely ill will. However, despite their complaints, there is no amount of dissuading that will make them believe their help is not needed. These kinds of people are often more overtly abusive, and their "help" often comes with put downs and attacks. They are the kind of people who say things like, "Well, I guess I'll take care of this for the millionth time. God knows, no one else here can do anything right." Now of course, non-narcissistic people say those kinds of things out of frustration all the time, for example when others will not help with something. However, the hero narcissist has no reason to be frustrated because they are not being compelled to do anything, nor are they asking others to help. They are simply taking everything upon themselves and feeling justified in abusing others because of it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The biggest difference between the hero narcissist and people who truly want to help is their motivation and how they behave because of this motivation. People who truly want to help often wait until they are asked. They may also volunteer, but they don't insist or simply take over. They don't believe they are the only ones who can solve the problem, they don't become angry when given suggestions or if someone offers to help and they don't insist people acknowledge their superior efforts. A person who simply wants to help will not insist that you let them and they will not abuse you if you refuse.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The hero narcissist, like every other narcissist, is an extreme control freak. It all has to be done their way, and if they cannot be the indispensable savior, they feel rejected, hollow and upset. For example, we often see this in narcissistic families, where parents will not allow children to solve or even understand their own problems. They may even create problems in the child's life, such as with teachers or other children. They then rush to the child's defense, glorying in their moment as mother or father of the millennium. In their retelling of this incident - and there will be retelling - it is all about how they felt, what they did and what someone was doing to their child. Their motivation is not the child or love for the child. It is self-aggrandizement. While most parents will defend their child because they believe the child is being abused or treated unfairly, to the hero narcissist, the child is an afterthought. It is all about them. The child is often then instructed to feel grateful that they have such a caring parent. How the situation has actually impacted the child is not important and is very often not even addressed at all.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Attempts on other people's parts to handle or solve their own problems are often met with anger or guilt from the hero narcissist. Sometimes they are met with an almost shocking indifference. This is one of the ways you can tell if you are dealing with a hero narcissist or not. A person who genuinely wants to help will not be jealous or angry of your attempts to solve your own problems; on the contrary, they will encourage this, and they will still care about you and your issues even if you don't take their advice or come to them for help. The hero narcissist doesn't care because they've been robbed of their chance to shine and suck up positive attention. You didn't bring your problem to them to solve, so it does not involve them. Just like every other narcissist, if something doesn't involve them, it doesn't interest them. More than that, if they feel purposely denied the opportunity to help, it may even anger them.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If you are dealing with a hero narcissist, you should approach them the same way as any other kind: don't react, don't feed in and remember: NO J.A.D.E.! They are just as toxic as the more overtly abusive narcissists, and in some ways, even more so because their methods of abuse and control are often not as obvious.</span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-78135805960898299882018-09-05T20:36:00.000-05:002018-09-05T20:36:39.623-05:00Committing to Insanity<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When you exchange vows with a future partner it should be a genuine act of devotion between two equal partners. Each others' best interests should be at the heart of it. The desire to grow & change with each other, share lives, ideas, dreams, plans, goals should be mutual for as long as you both shall live. This is possible, it happens, but never with a narcissist. You fell in love with the charm, the charisma, the fun spirit who just seemed to flow, low key, patient, in tune and perfect. Convinced this was the best thing, an answer to those prayers, a partner at last. Sadly, the mask slips. You chalk it up to a one-off. The marriage ceremony took place, promises were made and this time, when the mask slips, it just keeps sliding, revealing all, a little at a time. Until one day, you stand back in stupefication. What just happened?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">These highly dysfunctional devils rarely ever say what they mean, or mean what they say. Wedding vows are certainly no exception. When you marry a highly disordered person, you may as well vow to sacrifice your own health, sanity and peace of mind. Be ready to acquiesce to their every demand until they grows tired of you or until you drop dead. Basically, that's how they interpret your new legal commitment. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I now pronounce you victim and succubus. You may kiss the beast.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-60907884086516104372018-09-05T19:29:00.002-05:002018-09-05T19:29:51.924-05:00Whatta drag ....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Let go or be dragged.” </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sums up the connection to a narcissist. Also, any other personality-disordered soul. If you don't disconnect, they certainly won't. They'll stick around on the outskirts of your life for as long as they think you might talk to them again or leave the door cracked open. The door has to be completely shut. Glued, nailed, taped ... shut tight never to open again.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It’s easy to totally blame the narcissist, but the truth is we’re choosing to engage once we see the mask fall and the fakery arise. We are making a conscious choice to take on an impossible relationship with an impossible person who cannot think logically. They're thinking is disordered, chaotic, based on feeling alone, not fact. As adults we always have the choice to let go. Walk away. We didn't break this, we can't fix it. If this person hasn't taken control of their own life and chaos by now, why do you possibly think they will just for you? Nothing personal, we're just not that important ... remember, it's not about you, it never was. It was all about them. All the time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I took responsibility for throwing myself under the bus, hiked up my bog girl panties and lo! My angst began to lessen. Each new moment of each new day presents a fresh opportunity to make better choices and live a healthier, less chaotic, less drama fueled life. No more lies.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-16929952051291448422018-08-30T22:32:00.001-05:002018-08-30T22:32:26.030-05:00Slather Slander<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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When the narc is busy slandering and smearing, are you listening? He's telling you all about himself.<br />
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Every day away from the narc is a better day. Better health, better sleep, more peace. Detachment is key. Objectivity is important. Humor helps.<br />
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Remember: the ones who know you best and truly care for you know better. The ones that support the mean words in public he says, the lies he pushes, they are just another supply for him. He'll discard them just as easily when he's sucked them dry. He cares no more for those "friends" that support him in his time of need when he was so callously abandoned (for lying, deceiving, manipulating ... ) than he did for his own wife. They are even less than she was. But they are the fuel he needs right now: buying his BS, lifting him up, adoring him for being so strong in the face of such adversity (that he, solely, created).<br />
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So yes, support your narc friend, give him that fuel he needs, help him perpetuate those lies until he's found a new supply and discards you like yesterdays news. Let him use you for his ugliness, it gives him pleasure to have such power over others.<br />
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He's just telling you all about himself ... are you listening to him? Really?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-78314931639950262812018-08-30T20:57:00.004-05:002018-08-30T20:57:50.905-05:00No apologiesI would never get an apology, for anything. Not a real one anyways, just the sometimes one intended for him to just move on already to more fun and exciting things. Like finding other women, social media, games, youtube, socializing and leeching.<br />
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He constantly implied that I was stupid enough to believe these "sincere" apologies. The "I'm sorry" is always followed by a "but."<br />
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That "but" directly negates what is said directly before it. He loved this word also. A couple times I pointed out to him to not bother if he's going to follow it with a "but".<br />
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He tried do whatever it would take to trap me in his web of lies. I watched as he saw me swallow down the little ones, then the bigger ones he got away with. He thought I was hooked, that I would believe anything he tells me. Any time I called him out on his lies, he'd just tell a different one. Try to rewrite history.<br />
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So how do you know what a true apology is versus a Narc's fake one? A real apology will consist of three parts:<br />
the I'm sorry,<br />
the I was wrong,<br />
and the how can I make it better.<br />
A Narc won't do that. Why? Because that will show vulnerability, and a Narc can't have that.<br />
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A real apology will see you at the core, as in "You are hurting because..." A Narc apology will have themselves at the core, as in "I am hurting because you...."<br />
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So what is the reasoning for the Narc's fake apology? He knew I found out vital info that will expose him, and he will do whatever it takes to divert the attention away from himself. He twists it around and blames me!<br />
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Words mean nothing if actions remain the same. When we are the recipient of these fake apologies, we are left feeling empty and not valued. I've felt this way countless times. I always felt like my thoughts and feelings were never validated.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-40336606905587218802018-08-30T20:45:00.004-05:002018-08-30T20:45:44.386-05:00What problem?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Speaking on experience, this is how a narcissist makes sure nothing gets resolved:<br />
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<b>1. Circular conversations</b><br />
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You’ll think you worked something out, only to begin discussing it again in the next conversation. And it’s as if you never even said a word the first time around, or the 10th time around. The narcissist has lots of complaints about you, while ignoring any legitimate arguments you may have provided, time and again. At the end of the conversation, nothing will be resolved. The same issues will come up over and over again and... again. And every time you bring up these issues, it’s as if you never even had the argument in the past. You get sucked back in, only to feel crazy & high-maintenance, then they decide “I’m sick of always arguing about this.” It’s a merry-go-round.<br />
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So I began early on, informing him that I will not repeat the same conversations ad nauseum. He's a grown man, take notes. I would walk away. This from a man who once told me he hated when he had to repeat himself and people forgot things. I watched him turn from this self righteous statement into a man who used the following lines on a regular basis:<br />
"I forgot"<br />
"I can't recall"<br />
"I don't remember"<br />
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Of course, this was all to absolve him of responsibility for being caught stalking me, following me, looking through my trash ... among other boundary busting atrocities.<br />
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<b>2. Bringing up your past wrongdoings & ignoring their own</b><br />
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If you point out something the narcissist is doing—like ignoring you, not listening to what you say, being distant, or not following through on something promised—rather than discussing the issues you ask them to resolve, they’ll mention something from the past that they imagine you’ve done wrong. Did you once upon a time do something wrong? Well then, what they're doing isn’t really all that bad compared to what they think you did. Did you do XXX ? Well then, you can’t complain about what they're doing now. And God forbid you bring up any of their wrongdoings. Then, you are an abusive lunatic with a list of grievances that have no basis. In this way, the problem you bring up, however simple, never gets solved.<br />
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It's a lack of accountability. It's not them, it's the rest of the world. They'll happily and with ease deflect the real issue and just place all the blame on someone else because it's simply not the narcissist's fault, it never is.<br />
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<b>3. Condescending & patronizing tone</b><br />
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The entire conversation will have the basis that you're obviously unreasonable, obsessed, or crazy, and they are entirely reasonable and a victim. It’s almost like they are examining you, because you realize that they aren't listening, just waiting you out. When you finally react emotionally, that’s when the narcissist will tell you to calm down, and tell you their feelings are hurt or you are abusive. The whole point of this behavior is to depict you as unhinged, and therefore give them the upper hand. Because remember, conversations are competitions to be won, not problems to be resolved.<br />
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And every conversation is a one-up contest for him. If it's not a one up contest he'll just be defensive. Even over simple questions like "Have you ever baked cookies before?" You'd think I had asked him for his deepest darkest family secrets by his reaction. Again, a repeated pattern of behavior from him.<br />
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Conversation became extinct. I didn't want a competition, I didn't want to be mirrored, I didn't want to be lied to again or attacked.<br />
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<b>4. Accusing you of doing things that they are themselves doing</b><br />
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This will put you on the defensive, especially in heated arguments. You are trying to save the marriage or relationship, asking for changes, and to be heard, but they will begin labeling you with their own faults...so if they are negative and critical of you, they say you are like that. The narcissist will depict you as a horrible person, but they will at times accuse you of this in an indirect way. This will frustrate you and of course, you will react negatively, proving their point as far as they are concerned. By diverting the conversation into your numerous and onerous faults, they never discuss the real problems in the marriage. This is called PROJECTION by therapists.<br />
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Exactly!!!!<br />
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<b>5. This is true, but wait, then THIS is true</b><br />
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If you angrily pull out of the conversation because it goes round and round, the narcissist will start insulting the things they once said they liked about you...you become a terrible person now. You’ll be left wondering who you’re even talking to, because a positive thing is said at one time, then a demeaning and insulting comment later. They love you and they despise you, they think you are a good person, then a very bad person. There is no stability in their view of you. They leave you feeling totally unloved even while saying they love you.<br />
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Yep.<br />
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<b>6. The victim</b><br />
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Somehow the narcissist's problems and their confusing behavior that's inconsistent with a marriage or relationship will always lead back to a conversation about their abusive past, and then they compare you to their former abuser, even if the former abuser ex IS the problem causing the confusion. The idea is for you to end up feeling bad for them, even when they've done something wrong. Then after doing this, they will seek an opportunity to bond with you over their supposed complex feelings. And once they have successfully averted your attention elsewhere by acting as if they have changed, they will soon become distant and things go back to the way they were.... no bonding or deep spiritual connection whatsoever. They are the ones saying “abuse” while being abusive—and, in the end, you are left feeling nothing but empty.<br />
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I watched him blame a phone company for his inability to keep proper records. I watched him blame me for things he did all on his own that went wrong because of his direct actions. I watched him get angry and say mean things about people who wouldn't drop what they were doing and help him immediately. I listened to him blame whoever and whatever he could for things that didn't go his way. Never his fault, always someone else's.<br />
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<b>7. You begin explaining basic human emotions and actions</b><br />
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You find yourself explaining things like “empathy” and “feelings” and “being nice”, what is a “bad person” and what is a “good person”, what are bad motives and what are good motives, what is OK for a person to do in a certain circumstance, and what is not OK, or you explain that a person has obviously bad intentions, which the N says has good intentions, then says the opposite later, and then claims they never said anything else. Most adults do not need to be taught the golden rules from kindergarten. <b><u>You do this because you have attempted to see the good in them</u></b>. You think to yourself, “if they can just understand why I’m hurt, then they’ll stop doing it.” But they won’t. In the first place, they wouldn’t have done all the hurtful things they have done if hurting you was their primary concern. The worst part is, they have this sweet, caring persona. They know how to be kind & good, but they will hurt you again and again, and then you realize that your happiness is not nearly as important to them as you once imagined, because they are more than willing to hurt you if necessary for what is a “higher good” in their mind....and they really believe they are doing the right thing while doing this, and your pain is irrelevant. The marriage is sacrificed to the “greater good”, or to what they want to do, no matter how hurtful it is to you.<br />
<br />
Or try to explain boundaries because he looked you in the eye and sincerely stated that since you're now married there are no boundaries.<br />
<br />
<b>8. Excuses</b><br />
<br />
Everyone messes up every now and then, but narcissists give flimsy excuses rather than actually following through with promises. When their actions don't match up with their words, they shrug and say they weren't really thinking about it. You'd be humiliated if you broke a promise, but they are emotionless and it simply isn't a serious problem to them, even when you point out that they are destroying the all trust in your marriage and that the marriage can't survive without trust. They know that, but it's irrelevant, whereas once, it was extremely important to them...but that's long gone. You are disappointed so frequently that you can't feel relieved when they do something decent—they condition you to expect to be disappointed again and again, and you are. All happiness is temporary, and just a short reprieve before another inflicted hurt.<br />
<br />
I started my journal again just to keep track of the excuses and lies. I had to mark what he said and when and in what order. Times, places, all of it so I wouldn't get caught in the web of confusion he was attempting to spin. His excuses and lies were just too obvious, lies to cover lies and then more. The story changed since the first lie didn't stick, try another angle. It was astounding to watch unfold.<br />
<br />
<b>9. “What in the world just happened?”</b><br />
<br />
These conversations leave you drained. You may be left with an actual headache, but definitely a sense of total frustration. You will spend hours, even days, thinking over the argument you've just had. You’ll feel as if you exhausted all of your emotional energy to accomplish absolutely nothing. Even if you have well thought out arguments in your head, you can never respond to all the deflections, accusations, personal attacks, and asides that make your points get lost and become irrelevant, so you try again and again to bring the conversation back on track. You will feel the need to defend yourself and much of the time is spent in this way. You can tell the narcissist isn't really listening, they just want you to shut up so they can go back to doing the same thing and ignoring what you said. You’ll try to come up with a diplomatic solution, and you admit that you have been wrong at times.<br />
<br />
I was wrong for being trusting, nice, open, honest,supportive and transparent.<br />
He saw those as weaknesses to exploit.<br />
I was wrong for providing emotional, spiritual, physical and financial support to an emotional demon.<br />
More weaknesses, in his eyes, to take advantage of. And he did.<br />
<br />
He oftentimes pretended as if everything was great, fantastic, marvelous and was very conscious of going out and showing everyone we're doing great. I refused to pander to that hypocrisy and stopped going out with him on weekends for the most part. I was unable to pretend everything was ok when it clearly wasn't. He was very concerned about appearances, everything had to look good to the outside world, doesn't matter the shit show he created behind the scenes.<br />
<br />
With a narcissist, there is no closure, and no possible answer to that problem....there is only the knowledge that I did the right thing, that it wasn't my fault, and that one day I may meet someone again who will appreciate those good qualities rather than see them as weaknesses to exploit.<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-29324205154112224992018-08-30T19:56:00.002-05:002018-08-30T20:00:33.219-05:00Healing PathHealing from Narcissistic abuse is a recovery process. Trying to wrap my brain around the "WHY?" is my current path. Although I know why logically, emotionally it makes it no easier to grasp. It makes it no less confusing or me less angry for having been duped and taken advantage of. I fell in love with charm, the carefully selected group of people who fed his ego and need for supply. I fed that need too, unknowingly, unwittingly. He saw my adoration for a previous partner who earned that adoration. Not only earned it, but fed it, watered it, took care of it and nourished it, mutually. He showed me good guys are really still out there. Then my partner passed away. My STBX Narc was right there, ready to pounce on my vulnerability, and he wasted no time.<br />
<br />
I bought into my STBX's charm and fun-ness. Little did I know at the time I was being "<a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/what-is-love-bombing-2017-7" target="_blank">love bombed</a>", supported by family that was hoping I would save them from dealing with him, yet again. His irresponsibility, his dishonesty, his blaming and twisting. So they supported him being someone else's problem. Hook, line and sinker ... red flags be damned.<br />
<br />
My hope is someone else who may be working on their recovery process may find solace in the postings I find and share here. It's a difficult circumstance to slog through: frustration, anger, exhaustion, sadness, confusion.<br />
<br />
I won't publicly defend myself against his smear campaigns, he'll dig his own hole. I also won't mention his name and have reclaimed mine. I won't smear him, I will only speak of my experience. I will share in my learning and healing, find my voice and reclaim my life. I was taken, lied to and manipulated by a man who wanted what I have but would not take care of it. He liked the house, the tv, the internet, the electric, gas, water, heat, air conditioning, food, entertainment and no pressure so much he decided working wasn't for him. He decided being honest,open and transparent just wasn't on the agenda and so lied about where he was going, who he was with, what he was doing. He would tell me that what I saw with my own eyes was a lie. The <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting" target="_blank">gaslighting</a> attempts were so blatant they blew my mind, every time. This just scratches the surface of the nightmare.<br />
<br />
I'll share what my narcissist shared with me, written from his perspective. I hope it clicks with someone else out there and helps in the healing process. Remember, this is the narc showing this to his victim and actions speak louder than words. Where I once saw hope, I now see the truth, not my truth, the truth, the entire magilla, the whole show.<br />
<br />
A letter from the Narcissist to their partner......<br />
<br />
What I’m about to say is not something I’d ever say or admit (to you), because to do so would end the winner-takes-all-game that is my main source of pleasure in life — one that effectively keeps you carrying my load in our relationship.<br />
<br />
And that’s the whole point.<br />
<br />
When I say “I love you” I mean that I love how hard you work to make me feel like your everything, that I am the focus of your life, that you want me to be happy, and that I’ll never be expected to do the same.<br />
<br />
I love the power I have to take advantage of your kindness and intentions to be nice, and the pleasure I derive when I make myself feel huge in comparison to you, taking every opportunity to make you feel small and insignificant.<br />
<br />
I love the feeling it gives me thinking of you as weak, vulnerable, emotionally fluffy, and I love looking down on you for your childlike innocence and gullibility, as weakness.<br />
<br />
I love the way I feel knowing that, through the use of gaslighting, what you want to discuss or address will never happen, and I love this “power” to train you to feel “crazy” for even asking or bringing up issues that don’t interest me, effectively, ever lowering your expectations of me and what I’m capable of giving you, while I up mine of you.<br />
<br />
I love how easy it is to keep your sole focus on alleviating my pain (never yours!), and that, regardless what you do, you’ll never make me feel good enough, loved enough, respected enough, appreciated enough, and so on. (Misery loves company.)<br />
<br />
(It’s not about the closeness, empathy, emotional connection you want, or what I did that hurt or embarrassed you, or how little time I spend engaged with you or the children, and so on. It’s about my status and doing my job to keep you in your place, in pain, focused on feeling my pain, blocking you from feeling valued in relation to me. I’m superior and entitled to all the pleasure, admiration, and comforting between us, remember?)<br />
<br />
“I love you” means I love the way I feel when you are with me, more specifically, regarding you as a piece of property I own, my possession. Like driving a hot car, I love the extent to which you enhance my status in the eyes of others, letting them know that I’m top dog, and so on. I love thinking others are jealous of my possessions.<br />
<br />
I love the power I have to keep you working hard to prove your love and devotion, wondering what else you need to do to “prove” your loyalty.<br />
<br />
“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I’m with you. Due to how often I hate and look down on others in general, the mirror neurons in my brain keep me constantly experiencing feelings of self-loathing; thus, I love that I can love myself through you, and also love hating you for my “neediness” of having to rely on you or anyone for anything.<br />
<br />
I love that you are there to blame whenever I feel this “neediness”; feeling scorn for you seems to protect me from something I hate to admit, that I feel totally dependent on you to “feed” my sense of superiority and entitlement, and to keep my illusion of power alive in my mind.<br />
<br />
(Nothing makes me feel more fragile and vulnerable than not having control over something that would tarnish my image and superior status, such as when you question “how” I treat you, as if you still don’t understand that getting you to accept yourself as an object for my pleasure, happy regardless of how I treat you, or the children — is key proof of my superiority, to the world. You’re my possession, remember? It’s my job to teach you to hate and act calloused toward those “crazy” things that only “weak” people need, such as “closeness” and “emotional stuff;” and by the way, I know this “works” because my childhood taught me to do this to myself inside.)<br />
<br />
It makes me light up with pleasure (more proof of my superiority) that I can easily get you flustered, make you act “crazy” over not getting what you want from me, make you repeat yourself, and say and do things that you’ll later hate yourself for (because of your “niceness”!). Everything you say, any hurts or complaints you share, you can be sure, I’ll taunt you with later, to keep you ever-spinning your wheels, ever trying to explain yourself, ever doubting yourself and confused, trying to figure out why I don’t “get” it.<br />
<br />
(There’s nothing to get! To break the code, you’d have to look through my lens, not yours! It’s my job to show complete disinterest in your emotional needs, hurts, wants, and to train, dismiss and punish accordingly, until you learn your “lesson,” that is: To take your place as a voiceless object, a possession has no desire except to serve my pleasure and comfort, and never an opinion on how it’s treated!)<br />
<br />
(That you can’t figure this out, after all the ways I’ve mistreated you, to me, is proof of my genetic superiority. In my playbook, those with superior genes are never kind, except to lure and snare their victims!)<br />
<br />
I love that I can make you feel insecure at the drop of a hat, especially by giving attention to other women (perhaps also others in general, friends, family members, children, etc. … the list is endless). What power this gives me to put a display of what you don’t get from me, to taunt and make you beg for what I easily give to others, wondering why it’s so easy to give what you want to others, to express feelings or affection, to give compliments, that is, when it serves my pleasure (in this case, to watch you squirm).<br />
<br />
I love the power I have to get you back whenever you threaten to leave, by throwing a few crumbs your way, and watching how quickly I can talk you into trusting me when I turn on the charm, deceiving you into thinking, this time, I’ll change.<br />
<br />
“I love you” means I need you because, due to the self-loathing I carry inside, I need someone who won’t abandon me that I can use as a punching bag, to make myself feel good by making them feel bad about themselves. (This is how I pleasure myself, and the way I numb, deny the scary feelings I carry inside that I hope to never admit, ever. I hate any signs of weakness in me, which is why I hate you, and all the “nice” weaklings I view as inferior, stupid, feeble, and so on.)<br />
<br />
“I love you” means that I love fixing and shaping your thoughts and beliefs, being in control of your mind, so that you think of me as your miracle and savior, a source of life and sustenance you depend on, and bouncing back to, like gravity, no matter how high you try to fly away or jump.<br />
<br />
I love that this makes me feel like a god, to keep you so focused (obsessed…) with making me feel worshiped and adored, sacrificing everything for me to prove yourself so that I don’t condemn or disapprove of you, seeking to please none other, and inherently, with sole rights to administer rewards and punishments as I please.<br />
<br />
I love how I can use my power to keep you down, doubting and second-guessing yourself, questioning your sanity, obsessed with explaining yourself to me (and others), professing your loyalty, wondering what’s wrong with you (instead of realizing that … you cannot make someone “happy” who derives their sense of power and pleasure from feeling scorn for the weaklings who let me take advantage of them … like you!).<br />
<br />
“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I see myself through your admiring eyes, that you’re my feel-good drug, my dedicated audience, my biggest fan and admirer, and so on. Training you to look up to me, never question me, and bow down with pleasure to serve me as your never-erring, omniscient, omnipotent source of knowledge is my end-goal — my drug of choice.<br />
<br />
(You may have noticed how touchy I am at any sign that you would question me; I hate how fragile I feel in such moments, worried that failing to train you in silent submission could tarnish my image in the world, something I care about more than anything else, even life itself!)<br />
<br />
And I love that, no matter how hard you beg and plead for my love and admiration, to feel valued in return, it won’t happen, as long as I’m in control. Why would I let it, when I’m hooked on deriving pleasure from depriving you of anything that would make you feel worthwhile, be wind beneath your wings, risking you’d fly away from me? Besides, it gives me great pleasure to not give you what you yearn for, the tenderness you need and want, and to burst your every dream and bubble, then telling myself, “I’m no fool.”<br />
<br />
I love that I can control your attempts to get “through” to me, by controlling your mind, in particular, by shifting the focus of any “discussion” onto what is wrong with you, your failure to appreciate and make me feel loved, good enough, etc. — and of course, reminding you of all I’ve done for you, and how ungrateful you are.<br />
<br />
I love how skillfully I manipulate others’ opinions of you as well, getting them to side with me as the “good” guy, and side against you as the “bad” guy, portraying you as incapable of making me happy or manly — or as needy, never satisfied, always complaining, selfish and controlling, and the like.<br />
<br />
I love how easy it is for me to say “No!” to what may give you credit, or increase your sense of value and significance in relation to me, with endless excuses; and that instead, I return your focus to my unfulfilled needs and wants, my discomforts or pain.<br />
<br />
I love feeling that I own your thoughts, your ambitions, and ensuring the only wants and needs you focus on are ones that serve my pleasure and comfort.<br />
<br />
I love that I can isolate you from others who may nourish you, and break the spell of thinking they ever loved you; I love making you mistrust them, so that you conclude no one else really wants to put up with you, but me.<br />
<br />
I love that I can make you feel I’m doing you a favor by being with you and throwing a few crumbs your way. Like a vacuum, the emptiness inside me is in constant need of sucking the life and breath and vitality you, and your determination to be kind, brings to my life, which I crave like a drug that can never satisfy, that I fight to hoard, and hate the thought of sharing.<br />
<br />
While I hate you and my addiction to your caring attention, my neediness keeps me craving to see myself through your caring eyes, ever ready to admire, adore, forgive, make excuses for me, and fall for my lies and traps. (I could never appreciate or value you for this, how could I? I hate myself for needing these caring, yet unmanly gestures, which disgust me.)<br />
<br />
I love that you keep telling me how much I hurt you, not knowing that, to me, this is like a free marketing report. It lets me know how effective my tactics have been to keep you in pain, focused on alleviating my pain — so that I am ever the winner in this competition — ensuring that you never weaken (control) me with your love- and emotional-closeness stuff.<br />
<br />
In short, when I say “I love you,” I love the power I have to remain a mystery that you’ll never solve because of what you do not know (and refuse to believe), that: the only one who can win this zero-sum-winner-takes-all game is the one who knows “the rules.” My sense of power rests on ensuring you never succeed at persuading me to join you in creating a mutually-kind relationship because, in my worldview, being vulnerable, emotionally expressive, kind, caring, empathetic, innocent are signs of weakness, proof of inferiority.<br />
<br />
Thanks, but no thanks, I’m resolved to stay on my winner-takes-all ground, ever in competition for the prize, seeing you as my fiercest competitor, gloating in my narcissistic ability to be heartless, callous, cold, calculating … and proud, to ensure my neediness for a sense of superiority isn’t hampered.<br />
<br />
Forever love-limiting,<br />
<br />
Your narcissist...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-9505473298534240112017-10-24T12:13:00.001-05:002017-10-24T12:13:57.331-05:00FDA approves Revolutionary Cancer Drug - Geek.com<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisUKLALRhtpBqJpqKZ1Gwx92OX-GRrO0783D73EawmVj-uvBfJqoKHUcIbPMf5dhnU_eGxXbexlkpjm_K7dU_jt1P6Bu0b-W_b1xyxwY6XHU9iBQ8sSvDYaigfz5iOHV85I0aSuSJm7kf2/s1600/fda-625x352.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="352" data-original-width="625" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisUKLALRhtpBqJpqKZ1Gwx92OX-GRrO0783D73EawmVj-uvBfJqoKHUcIbPMf5dhnU_eGxXbexlkpjm_K7dU_jt1P6Bu0b-W_b1xyxwY6XHU9iBQ8sSvDYaigfz5iOHV85I0aSuSJm7kf2/s320/fda-625x352.png" width="320" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Food and Drug Administration — the American agency in charge of ensuring the safety of most of the things we ingest — has approved a radical new therapy for fighting cancer called Yescarta. It is a type of CAR T-cell therapy, a technique that genetically modifies the subject’s immune cells so that they can attack cancer (specifically, in this case, non-Hodgkin lymphoma) directly. This is only the second time it’s approved such a treatment. The first, back in August, was for leukemia that was non-responsive to more traditional drugs.</span><br /><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Today marks another milestone in the development of a whole new scientific paradigm for the treatment of serious diseases,” FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb said in a statement. “In just several decades, gene therapy has gone from being a promising concept to a practical solution to deadly and largely untreatable forms of cancer.”</span><br /><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Indeed, these new treatments could be boons for cancers that are traditionally stubborn or nearly impossible to treat. Diffuse large B-cell lymphoma is among the most common forms of non-Hodgkin lymphoma, and it can also be tough to treat. After a time, these cancers can become resistant to chemotherapy and other avenues of treatment.</span><br /><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With CAR T-cell, each patient gets a customized dose, designed to re-tool their immune cells. T-cells, which form one of the backbones of the immune system are collected and modified by a lab to target and attack cancerous lymphoma cells. After that, these cells are put back into the patient, where they work their magic.</span><br /><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“This approval demonstrates the continued momentum of this promising new area of medicine and we’re committed to supporting and helping expedite the development of these products,” Gottlieb added. “We will soon release a comprehensive policy to address how we plan to support the development of cell-based regenerative medicine.”</span><br /><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That too, is important to note. While CAR T-cell could already save tens of thousands each year, we are getting into some potentially dicey territory. This marks some of the very first broadly approved genetic treatments in humans. We’ve taken those nascent steps into the world of modifying our own internal mechanics to cure and treat aggressive diseases. That’s not to say that it’s bad, just something to be aware of.</span><br /><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Like any tool of science, these mechanisms can be used for good or ill, and when you start tinkering with genes, it’s important that we get those steps absolutely right. It’s not any more or less natural than a transplant or crutch, even. Humans have been modifying anything and everything we can to combat medical maladies since time immemorial, but in an era where just about everything is hackable, it does raise questions about how secure all this is.</span><br /><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And that doesn’t even touch the expense of the treatment, which can run $373,000 for a round. Even so, Yescarta was able to bring complete remission for 51 out of 100 studied patients — a staggering result. It obviously carries some major risks, and, given the complexity, the FDA requires that hospitals that offer it be specially trained. What a world.</span><br /><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<a href="https://www.geek.com/science/fda-approves-revolutionary-cancer-drug-1720273/" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Read the original article here, with credits</span></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-52206634479618023932017-10-24T12:11:00.001-05:002017-10-24T12:11:39.838-05:00Atlas of the Underworld | van der Meer, D.G., van Hinsbergen, D.J.J., and Spakman, W., 2017, Atlas of the Underworld: slab remnants in the mantle, their sinking history, and a new outlook on lower mantle viscosity, Tectonophysics<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm0LPoO97IfBaoRRN-srairtws3maeqMYFnprpXOtQrCdric33kXZ5BaLTHKkUM2qSXdZfckdgB4bXNtet-h7P_s-Qag7Nfq4d4SIeX0eCYNdIA9462AMbJPgreHvs6DK2EqUabbTftdef/s1600/images+%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="200" data-original-width="252" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm0LPoO97IfBaoRRN-srairtws3maeqMYFnprpXOtQrCdric33kXZ5BaLTHKkUM2qSXdZfckdgB4bXNtet-h7P_s-Qag7Nfq4d4SIeX0eCYNdIA9462AMbJPgreHvs6DK2EqUabbTftdef/s1600/images+%25281%2529.jpg" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Welcome to the website of The Atlas of the underworld – the first complete mapping of subducted plates in the Earth’s mantle and their geological interpretation.</span><br /><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Earth’s rigid outer shell – the lithosphere – is broken into plates that move relative to one another along discrete plate boundaries – ridges, transforms, and subduction zones. At subduction zone plate boundaries, one plate disappears below another and sinks into the mantle. These sinking plates, called ‘slabs’, are colder than their surroundings, and remain colder for a very long period of time – about 250 million years. As a result, the speed at which seismic waves travel through these bodies of sinking lithosphere is a little higher than from the surrounding hot mantle. Since the 1980’s, the technique of seismic tomography has been developed that provides a 3D image of the seismic velocity structure of the Earth’s crust and mantle, from the surface to the boundary between the mantle and the Earth’s liquid outer core at a depth of 2900 km.</span><br /><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Subduction leaves a distinct geological record at the Earth’s surface, in the form of major mountain ranges such as the Andes or the Himalaya, or major volcanic arcs such as the Pacific Ring of Fire. Using these geological records, Earth Scientists have developed ways to determine when and where subduction episodes started and ended. On this website, we provide the current state-of-the-art of the images of slabs in the Earth’s upper and lower mantle, and the geological interpretation of when and where they were subducting. In the main article associated with this website, we use the information provided here to deduct physical properties of the mantle and slabs, and discuss ways to develop reference frames for plate reconstructions of the geological past. On this website, we provide open access to all slabs, organized by location, age, depth, and name.</span><br /><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This website covers the structure of Earth’s entire mantle and its plate tectonic evolution of the last 300 million years. Check it ALL out here: </span><br /><br />
<a href="http://www.atlas-of-the-underworld.org/" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Atlas of the Underworld | van der Meer, D.G., van Hinsbergen, D.J.J., and Spakman, W., 2017, Atlas of the Underworld: slab remnants in the mantle, their sinking history, and a new outlook on lower mantle viscosity, Tectonophysics</span></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-88204351087825051472017-10-17T10:35:00.001-05:002017-10-17T10:35:47.209-05:00Read This If You Ever Find Yourself Doubting Your Worth | Shine<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0c0etKrJsFDyUydWjfo1m4dolm0Q0sg7qIj38czfAL0rT3ElYhw4Jk5X2rPnV6YYfLhdauQhOkKmft8_2syoVee3gLR-RfnBSEKRVQEpdVxaYCuBenysGi7XuCgGbEvLiOAk11aWwFKh0/s1600/Capture.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="525" data-original-width="1519" height="110" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0c0etKrJsFDyUydWjfo1m4dolm0Q0sg7qIj38czfAL0rT3ElYhw4Jk5X2rPnV6YYfLhdauQhOkKmft8_2syoVee3gLR-RfnBSEKRVQEpdVxaYCuBenysGi7XuCgGbEvLiOAk11aWwFKh0/s320/Capture.PNG" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br />
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<a href="https://advice.shinetext.com/articles/read-this-if-you-dont-feel-worthy-of-self-care/" target="_blank">Read This If You Ever Find Yourself Doubting Your Worth | Shine</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-59141310725758944592017-10-17T09:33:00.001-05:002017-10-17T09:33:32.390-05:00Why is everyone so busy?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg444-lHmgyZD-m7V7PE8tuWaunyaES6wGxgThbaXVJkDxVTTOv0BR5ythk0-4u5n65-UvSor5tItIq2WYH9N7QUCVEdqdNpGy67eXxU_kQs4P2MKeZX76Df4fHzRQvbmy0ekgpNvAGKeoh/s1600/20141220_TAP001_0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="450" data-original-width="800" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg444-lHmgyZD-m7V7PE8tuWaunyaES6wGxgThbaXVJkDxVTTOv0BR5ythk0-4u5n65-UvSor5tItIq2WYH9N7QUCVEdqdNpGy67eXxU_kQs4P2MKeZX76Df4fHzRQvbmy0ekgpNvAGKeoh/s320/20141220_TAP001_0.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #121212; font-family: MiloSerifPro, Palatino, serif; font-size: 20px;">THE predictions sounded like promises: in the future, working hours would be short and vacations long. “Our grandchildren”, reckoned John Maynard Keynes in 1930, would work around “three hours a day”—and probably only by choice. Economic progress and technological advances had already shrunk working hours considerably by his day, and there was no reason to believe this trend would not continue. Whizzy cars and ever more time-saving tools and appliances guaranteed more speed and less drudgery in all parts of life. Social psychologists began to fret: whatever would people do with all their free time?</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #121212; font-family: MiloSerifPro, Palatino, serif; font-size: 20px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #121212; font-family: MiloSerifPro, Palatino, serif; font-size: 20px;">This has not turned out to be one of the world’s more pressing problems. </div><br /><br />
<a href="https://www.economist.com/news/christmas-specials/21636612-time-poverty-problem-partly-perception-and-partly-distribution-why?utm_source=pocket&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=pockethits" target="_blank">Read More ...</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-25678636629752211302017-10-17T09:31:00.001-05:002017-10-17T09:31:50.205-05:00Personal Finance Has Everything and Nothing to Do With Money<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk0T6QxYBefTuL3k6fuuESNKw4H-DHO8eyllQ66TQ4Yh9iUKaabZjCLqEVBmJqPhSxgdajSWQoir5L0jlRwDUAMKTy8ZR0UUP87De8dR6tGSHuEAkm_fyCRBqjj7LtjRbFWfqmW4XLwO0T/s1600/gxhxkbxyxtxyp2qkcari.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="800" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk0T6QxYBefTuL3k6fuuESNKw4H-DHO8eyllQ66TQ4Yh9iUKaabZjCLqEVBmJqPhSxgdajSWQoir5L0jlRwDUAMKTy8ZR0UUP87De8dR6tGSHuEAkm_fyCRBqjj7LtjRbFWfqmW4XLwO0T/s320/gxhxkbxyxtxyp2qkcari.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #222222; font-family: ElizabethSerif, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 32px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; max-width: 636px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizeLegibility; word-break: break-word;">On the surface, personal finance seems to be primarily about money: getting rich and optimizing your investments and so on. It’s definitely about all of that stuff, but in a larger, more important way, it has nothing to do with money at all. It’s more about using it to optimize your values and priorities.</div><h3 style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; font-family: ProximaNovaCond, sans-serif; font-size: 1.562rem; line-height: 1.3; margin: 0px auto 1rem; max-width: 636px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizeLegibility;">Learn to Manage Your Money So It Doesn’t Manage You</h3><div style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit; color: #222222; font-family: ElizabethSerif, Georgia, serif; font-size: 17px; line-height: 32px; margin-bottom: 1.25rem; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; max-width: 636px; padding: 0px; text-rendering: optimizeLegibility; word-break: break-word;">My dad used to say, “Money isn’t the problem; the lack of it is.” And it’s true: money doesn’t buy you happiness, but not having enough of it can be a pain. And the level of pain varies, depending on your situation.</div><br /><br />
<a href="https://twocents.lifehacker.com/personal-finance-has-everything-and-nothing-to-do-with-1766425829?utm_source=pocket&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=pockethits" target="_blank">Read More ...</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-47997168497708268332017-10-17T08:54:00.001-05:002017-10-17T08:54:16.258-05:00How a Gilded-Age Heiress Became the 'Mother of Forensic Science'<div dir="ltr">
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Frances Glessner Lee grew up in the Gilded Age as the heiress to a fortune made in industrial farm equipment. Her childhood was “sheltered and indulged.” She would marry at age 20, have three children, and then, in a turn against convention, divorce her husband.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It was in her 40s—free of a husband and then free of a brother and father who both died, leaving her a vast fortune—that Lee embarked on the project that would consume the rest of her life. She had become enthralled by the grisly crime stories of George Burgess Magrath, her brother’s friend and a medical examiner in Boston. And so Lee began pouring her family fortune into a project that combined the very unladylike world of crime with the domestic arts: the Nutshell Studies of Unexplained Death.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><u><a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2017/10/nutshells-frances-glessner-lee/542757/?utm_source=feed" target="_blank">Read More ...</a></u></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-40955765272209896672017-10-14T09:59:00.001-05:002017-10-14T09:59:34.046-05:00Hear What Literally Every Genre of Music Sounds Like With This Tool<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTTEL3hBwBZoh7lb5tE39Hb0I7oICrRt3bc2c4m3XK85sNk_k5uK_x5sloscA-PGr2dGekDS9Fu3Imyn897McteBXMiUTvYSIExPv_tmORvEmBaljN9lc1mwjaT3yub_DKtPnrLRCLeevQ/s1600/qt1io4mzisuyzxxfvnna.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="449" data-original-width="800" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTTEL3hBwBZoh7lb5tE39Hb0I7oICrRt3bc2c4m3XK85sNk_k5uK_x5sloscA-PGr2dGekDS9Fu3Imyn897McteBXMiUTvYSIExPv_tmORvEmBaljN9lc1mwjaT3yub_DKtPnrLRCLeevQ/s320/qt1io4mzisuyzxxfvnna.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br />
There is a lot of different types of music out there. Like, a lot. Don’t believe me? Check out this time-sucking tool called <a href="http://everynoise.com/engenremap.html" target="_blank">Every Noise at Once</a>.<br /><br />
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When you <a href="http://everynoise.com/engenremap.html" target="_blank">load up the page in your browser</a>, you’ll be greeted with a massive wall of colored text links. Each one represents a specific genre of music. There’s everything from “Taiwanese pop” to “dark psytrance” to “Danish jazz” to “vapor twitch” to “Brazilian gospel” to “funk rock” to “discofox” to good ol’ fashioned “hip hop.” With more than 1,500 different music genres mapped, it’s all there.<br /><br />
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<a href="https://lifehacker.com/hear-what-literally-every-genre-of-music-sounds-like-wi-1819421235">Read More ...</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-13680006418775273782017-09-10T10:54:00.001-05:002017-09-10T10:54:25.995-05:00When Ruminating Becomes a Problem<p dir="ltr">Everyone ruminates. We especially ruminate when we’re stressed out. Maybe you’re ruminating about an upcoming test—you have to score an A to keep your scholarship. Maybe you’re ruminating about an upcoming presentation because you want to impress your boss. Maybe you’re ruminating about an upcoming date and the many ways it could go. Maybe you’re ruminating about a bad performance review. Maybe you’re ruminating about an injury that’s really been bothering you.<br>
<i><b><a href="https://psychcentral.com/lib/when-ruminating-becomes-a-problem/">READ </a></b></i><i><b><a href="https://psychcentral.com/lib/when-ruminating-becomes-a-problem/"><u>MORE</u></a></b></i></p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTAx44HMRMiJrO2JKn42q_uu6OJDkLt829E2r8hw6_L9TW-7WGpNtKwBq0WDgutRvLqtxCk73zXnNwg6fS_FfXUamv-9Rnnrs6dku-z-sL42qHSbnV-KOoyil2K982qfYkvXyUzBng7tKv/s1600/pexels-photo-255268-300x199.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTAx44HMRMiJrO2JKn42q_uu6OJDkLt829E2r8hw6_L9TW-7WGpNtKwBq0WDgutRvLqtxCk73zXnNwg6fS_FfXUamv-9Rnnrs6dku-z-sL42qHSbnV-KOoyil2K982qfYkvXyUzBng7tKv/s640/pexels-photo-255268-300x199.jpeg"> </a> </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5665862364480181466.post-62905081642031667182013-06-25T02:27:00.001-05:002016-01-15T10:53:59.236-06:00Coming SoonNew content coming soon! Stay tuned :-)<br />
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I'm still not quite sure how this blog will turn out. It may be an exercise in catharsis while maintaining humor and grace, it may be a collection of musings expanded upon ... who knows. The shapes and shifts and turns of this blog will be borne of personal experiences, thoughts, ideas, dreams and wonders. <br />
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Stay tuned, I'm experimenting with a new form of "writing" that may make this easier.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0