3 Self-Defeating Habits That Destroy Happiness

The top three energy-draining, ambition-killing traits to lose.

Posted Sep 18, 2020
Sean Grover L.C.S.W.
When Kids Call the Shots

Everyone struggles with negative internal voices; those nagging, critical, confidence-destroying voices that pop up when you're feeling anxious or want to try something new: 

“You can’t do that.” 

“People will laugh at you” 

“You’re not good enough.”

With the help of the right therapist, you can go to battle with self-defeating voices, unearth their origins, and evict them from your psychic. Even if they appear now and then (who doesn't suffer bouts of self-doubt or insecurity?), individual or group therapy can help you learn to manage self-defeating voices and keep them from undermining you. 

But what about self-defeating habits? Those ingrained patterns that feel as comfortable as your favorite cozy blanket. What do you do about those?

Self-Defeating Habits

Self-defeating habits generally fly just under the radar of your consciousness. You're aware of them, but not enough to challenge them. They've become so ingrained and habitual that you're quick to normalize them. 

“I know I should exercise more, but …”

“I don’t make good decisions when I drink too much, but …”

“It should probably get out more, but …”

After every "but" is a reason not to justify poor choices and maintain your self-defeating patterns. To break free of them, let's take a closer look at the top three energy-draining, ambition-killing, and happiness-derailing traits that I've seen in my psychotherapy practice in the last 25 years.

Top Three Self-Defeating Habits

1. Complaining 

Complaint is the enemy of happiness. Whatever satisfaction it delivers can be considered empty calories at best. There's nothing wrong with feeling disgruntled, especially when it inspires us to grow and self-challenge, a dynamic Buddhists call "Turning poison into medicine." 

But chronic complaint without action forges patterns of negative thinking, pessimism, and hopelessness. It reinforces a sense of powerlessness in the face of frustration, saps your energy, and becomes a chronic source of discouragement for you and others around you. The result is an apathetic attitude that sucks the joy out of life. 

2. Self-neglect

No matter how you justify it, self-neglect leads to illnesses of the body, mind, and spirit. You can't sustainably enjoy life or develop resilience if you're sleep-deprived, don't exercise, ignore healthy eating habits, or rely on substances. The mind craves stimulation, the body craves movement, and the spirit craves balance—people who chose to ignore all three and engage in self-neglect craft a lifestyle that is destined to result in depression or social anxiety. 

3. Procrastination 

Too often, we know what we should do, yet put off taking action. Procrastination leads to missed opportunities and regret. It feeds isolation, distrust, and emotional fragility. When we procrastinate, we deny ourselves a better way of being.

Challenging Self-Defeating Habits

Here are three simple ways you can start to undo self-defeating habits today:

1. Write them down: List the habits you'd like to change, put them down on paper so you can begin to be more conscious of them. 
2. Make an action plan: what steps can you take today to address those habits. 
3. Seek out support: therapy, support groups, career coaching, continuing education classes, spiritual practices; there's are endless ways available to inspire yourself to action. Defeating self-defeating habits with support is always more successful than challenging them alone.

4 signs you had a codependent upbringing that affects your adult relationships, according to a therapist

 

Julia Naftulin

• If a parent raised you in a codependent manner, it could negatively affect your adult relationships.
• Signs a parent was codependent include using passive-aggressive behavior to discipline, making all decisions for a child, and refusing to admit to being wrong.
• An adult child who had a codependent upbringing may have anxiety over decision-making, use passive-aggressive behavior while upset, and make personal stressors a problem for parents to solve.

Children look to their parents for emotional support and how to act as they learn to navigate the world. But if that parent-child relationship is unhealthy, it can affect the way a child interacts with others as an adult.

This commonly occurs in codependent relationships, in which parents' words and actions teach children they need another person to validate their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, the therapist Kristie Overstreet told Insider.

If a parent never admits to being wrong, uses passive-aggressive behavior to discipline a child, or doesn't allow a child to make any decisions, that child may go on to seek a similar type of reliance in adult relationships, whether romantic or platonic, Insider previously reported.

If you use passive-aggressive behavior when you're upset, call on a parent to solve stressful situations for you, or have extreme anxiety over decision-making, it could mean you had a codependent relationship in childhood, Overstreet said.

You're overcome with anxiety when you have to make a decision

Decision-making isn't always easy, but if you find you're anxious or worried every time you're tasked with making a choice, it could mean you were raised to be codependent.

"I see it a lot when they have a ton of anxiety and need approval from others, whether it's a partner or a friend or the people at work," Overstreet told Insider of her patients with codependency issues.

She said they felt they're "not ever being good enough because they were always striving to get that from their parents," as children.

When you're upset, you storm away or use the silent treatment

Codependent parents often use passive-aggressive tactics, like eye-rolling, storming away, or giving the silent treatment to their children when they're upset.

If it's done repeatedly, children may employ those behaviors in their own adult relationships because they weren't taught how to communicate feelings of sadness or frustration, Overstreet said.

You ask your parent to save you from stressful situations

It's normal for parents to help their child with homework, cook them dinner, and take them to soccer practice. But if a parent provides unsolicited help with chores, it could stunt children's ability to evolve and do those things for themselves.

And if parents continue to enable this behavior when their child is an adult — running errands and doing laundry for them regularly without asking permission first — it can create toxicity, according to Overstreet.

She said she's seen this behavior pop up when a codependent adult child encounters a typical life stressor, such as moving to a new house or navigating health problems.

In these cases, the child asks the parent to figure out the solution instead of explaining the specific help that's required.

"They ask their parents for help, but not just like: 'Hey, I need help. Can you do this [specific task] for me?' It's: 'I can't do this on my own. I'm not able to function. I need you to step in.' And it'd be a frequent thing," Overstreet said.

You put needs of your family and friends above your own

Codependent adults might also overlook their own goals and desires because they can view themselves only through the lens of others, Overstreet said.

She gave the example of a codependent parent asking a codependent adult child when they'll have children of their own. Though the adult child may not feel ready to have kids, or doesn't want kids at all, they may feel pressured to start a family to please their parent.

Overstreet said the codependent adult child might think, "Oh, wait a minute. What is wrong with me? Maybe I do need to have kids and put pressure on myself," even before they're ready.

15 Breakup Texts That Will Help You End Any Type of Relationship

 By Maria Yagoda and Carolyn Steber

Updated: 

Aug. 25, 2020

We all know the level of anguish that can be caused by ghosting; when someone abruptly cuts off communication with you, and fades away without explanation. It's super rude, and it often leaves you wondering what happened, if they're OK, if you did something wrong — the list of concerns goes on and on.

And yet, however strongly you may feel about the ethics of the fadeaway when it comes to people ghosting you, it's also easy to see why it's become a go-to way to end a relationship. Ghosting seems so much easier than trying to find the right words and letting someone down. When you're the one who wants to call things off, you may just find yourself ghosting, too.

The thing is, in the back of your head, you know it's worth it to do the hard, mature thing and at the very least send a text before parting ways. "Letting someone know shows respect to the other person and also allows you to develop clarity in your relationships," Alex Ly, AMFT, a marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle.

While it's best to end serious and longer-term relationships with a phone call or an in-person conversation, there are plenty of situations where a text is OK. It's always better than ghosting, and it'll help both you and the other person move on. Here, a few sample texts you can send to end any relationship the right way.

1. When The Date Was Boring/Awkward

Send this: "Thanks for the drinks last night, but this doesn't feel like the right fit for me. I wish you well with future dates!"

If you go out with someone and realize you have absolutely nothing in common, that's OK. The whole point of dating is to meet up and see if you click, so if all you did was sit silently across from each other while picking at your food, send this simple text to wish them well — and move on.

2. When They Were Really Nice But You Had Zero Chemistry

Send this: "You seem like a really great person, and I enjoyed meeting you so much. But, I don’t think that we are a match in a romantic way. I know you are someone else’s soulmate, and I know they are out there looking for you as well. Thank you for your time, and I wish you all the best on your path."

According to Dr. Alisa Ruby Bash, PsyD, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, this is the perfect text to send to someone you didn't feel any special chemistry with, but who seemed like they were really trying.

3. When You've Been On Two Or Three Dates

Send this: "Thanks for giving me a chance to get to know you better, but I think we are looking for different things at this time. I'm not interested in another date."

Even after a couple dates — though you're still a free agent and owe nothing to anyone — it's still considerate to take the 10 seconds and text something along these lines. According to Bash, all you need to do is thank them for the time and effort they put into meeting up, and continue on your merry way.

4. When They Were Rude

Send this: "I just wanted to let you know that I did not feel comfortable with some of your behavior. It struck me as mean and rude and really did not sit well with me. I don’t think that we are a match. But thank you for your time and I wish you well."

Even a horrible date needs a clean, definitive ending, because the only thing worse than having wasted your time with someone who's rude is wasting your time for days to come as they continue to text and reach out. Bash suggests taking the high road by remaining civil, being honest, and letting them know you're done.

5. When You've Already Hooked Up/Five Dates In

Send this: "It's been so fun hooking up the past few weeks, but I don't see this is going anywhere romantically. I'm looking for something more and I'm sure there is someone else out there, for both of us, who will be a better fit. Good luck!"

If you've done some sexy intimate things, but don't want to see the other person again, it's worth it to send a kind text or two before parting ways. Thank them for all the fun you had — or for their time, at the very least — and make it clear you don't want to continue moving the relationship forward. That way, you'll both be free to move on.

6. When You've Just Been Texting/Zero Dates In

Send this: "Thanks so much for messaging back and forth! I know it's tough to get to know someone via chat, but it doesn't seem like we're a good match at this time. I'm not interested in meeting up, but hope that you find someone soon who is!"

While it's totally OK to just stop messaging someone, if all you've done is chat on a dating app, it is nice to send a quick message if they've been putting in a ton of effort, or have asked you out. That way you won't leave them hanging.

7. When They're Coming On Too Strong

Send this: "Thanks for your interest in getting to know me, but I don't want to meet up or continue to talk."

If someone is coming on too strong — texting you incessantly, begging to meet up, asking for photos, etc. — you need to be straightforward. Don't be vague or hint that you may be down to talk at some point in the future, as that will only keep the door open. Instead, put a stop to it with this text, and if need be, block their number.

8. When You're Too Busy To Date

Send this: "I've really enjoyed going on dates with you, but my schedule is so full right now I won't have time to meet up again going forward. Maybe our paths will cross again in the future, when the timing is better. Until then, I wish you well."

If you have a lot going on, be honest about it with a text similar to this one. Who knows? You may be able to make it work at some point in the future.

9. When It's Obvious They're Still Hung Up On Their Ex

Send this: "After getting to know you a bit more, it's obvious to me that you're not quite ready to date. It may not be my place to say this, but I've been in your shoes and know how important it is to take time to fully recover from a breakup before trying to date again. I hope you can get to a good place soon, and find someone who makes you just as happy."

You don't want to get serious with someone who is trying to a) get over their ex, b) prove a point to their ex, or c) pretend you're their ex. If it's clear their head is stuck in the past, protect yourself by making it clear you're wary about the situation. As Bash says, it's often OK to send some light advice in this situation, as well, by providing a few helpful hints as to why you weren't interested. It's "good relationship karma," she says.

10. When You're Drifting Apart

Send this: "It seems like our paths are going in different directions and I need to put all my focus on my own path. Pursuing a relationship isn't going to work out."

If you've been on a few dates, and can tells things are fizzling out, Jennie Marie Battistin, M.A., LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, suggests sending this text so you can cut ties and fully and officially move on.

11. When They Cheated On You

Send this: "I really wish it wasn't ending this way, but I've lost all trust after learning that you cheated. Our relationship is over."

Battistin says this text works in situations where a partner has lied, cheated, or emotionally manipulated you. Of course, it can be tricky to call things off with a simple text, especially if you've been together a while, or are sharing an apartment. You may need to meet up or make a few phone calls, before truly parting ways. But according to Bash, in many cases, you don't owe a cheater or a liar much more than this.

12. When You Just Want To Be Friends

Send this: "I've realized that my feelings for you are much stronger as a friend than as a romantic partner. Would you like to continue our relationship as friends going forward? I'd love to keep you in my life."

If you're serious about pursuing a friendship, instead of a relationship, this is a good way to get the conversation going.

13. When You're In A Long-Distance Relationship

Send this: "I've realized the distance between us is too great and there is no immediate remedy. I am not built for a long distance relationship. I am sorry, I need to break this off and move on."

Sometimes a text like this one, according to Battistin, is the best way to end a long distance relationship, especially if you've spoken about it at length and they aren't handling it well. Seeing your thoughts written out in plain English may make the message clearer. Consider your unique situation, including how long you've been together, and see if a text like this one feels right.

14. When They Won't Take A Hint

Send this: "While I know this may not feel like the best mode to receive this information, I felt that it was best for me to get my thoughts out clearly and leave you space to digest."

Sometimes, no matter the situation, acknowledging why you're sending a text is key. Say what you need to say in a message, and then offer a chance to follow up. From there, "explain how long you've been feeling this way as well as any feedback you feel is important to ensure a clean break," Jennifer Teplin, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker, tells Bustle. "Be sure to clarify how you want to move forward after sending the message to avoid many back-and-forths or unclear expectations."

15. When They're Controlling

Send this: "I’m writing to let you know that I am no longer comfortable or willing to remain in this relationship. Please respect my boundaries and preferences and understand that this is best for us to grow on our own and find individuals who support our needs."

According to Teplin, sometimes a text is the safest way to end a relationship, especially if you're removing yourself from a toxic situation. "I'd recommend sending something like that," she says. 'I ‘d also recommend if someone feels unsafe to have a ‘buddy’ there with them when they send the message for moral support."

In these tough or awkward situations, it can be tempting to ghost someone. But taking the time to send a text is often worth it. Not only will it make it clear you're moving on, but it lets the other person know where your head is at so they can do the same.

Experts:

Alex Ly, AMFT, marriage and family therapist

Dr. Alisa Ruby Bash, Psy.D., LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist

Jennie Marie Battistin, M.A., LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist

Jennifer Teplin, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker

How to Deal with Gaslighting and Stop Your Manipulator in Their Tracks

 By Sarah Stiefvater | Aug. 27, 2020

Though it can take many different forms, at its core, gaslighting is a communication technique in which someone causes you to question your own version of past events. Most times, it’s meant to make you feel like you’re losing your grip on reality. In its milder forms, gaslighting creates an unequal power dynamic in a relationship. But at its worst, gaslighting can actually be considered a form of mind-control and psychological abuse.

The phrase originated from a 1938 mystery thriller, Gas Light, written by British playwright Patrick Hamilton. The play was later made into a popular movie starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. In the film, husband Gregory manipulates his adoring wife Paula into believing she can no longer trust her own perceptions of reality.

Gaslighting can occur in all types of relationships, from a "friend" telling you you're overreacting about them gossiping about you behind your back to a co-worker insisting that he's doing all of your team's work (when, in fact, you're the one working overtime). If you suspect someone is gaslighting you—whether it’s a supervisor at work, friend or spouse—here are seven ways to cope.

1. Try to Recognize What’s Happening

Gaslighting works best when a victim isn’t aware of what’s going on. Once you understanding what’s happening, you’ll be better equipped to prepare to fight back, or at least call the gaslighter out on their behavior, which might throw them off their game, or make them reconsider you as a prime target. If you suspected someone is gaslighting you, educate yourself about what gaslighting is, the tactics a gaslighter uses and ways to handle it. Psychology Today is an excellent resource for articles written by mental health professionals. 

2. Confront Them About Their Behavior

Once you’ve studied up on the motivations behind and tactics used in gaslighting, it's time to take action. As mentioned, gaslighting works best when the victim is in the dark about what’s going on. If you feel comfortable doing so, let the person who’s gaslighting you know that you see what they’re doing, and you’re not going to stand for it. If you show that you’re onto them, they might decide the payoff isn’t worth the struggle. But be aware that how you call someone out is crucial. Instead of getting heated and going into attack mode, try to call your gaslighter out calmly. This will show them that, in addition to understanding what they’re up to, you’re also not riled up about the situation.

3. Compile Proof

Because the main goal of gaslighting is to make you feel like you’ve lost touch with reality, it’s important to keep a record of things as they happen, to return to as proof when you start to doubt your own memory. When it comes to proof, the National Domestic Violence Hotline recommends keeping a journal with dates, times and as many details as possible, in addition to confiding in a trusted family member or friend.

4. Decide Whether the Relationship Is Worth It

Clearly every relationship is different, but if you think gaslighting is in play, it’s always worth a check-in. If you’re experiencing gaslighting at work, it might be time to look for another job. If a friend is gaslighting you, it might be time to move on from that friendship. If the person gaslighting you is a family member or someone you’re in a romantic relationship with, it can be trickier to make a clean break. First steps might include the services of a therapist or couples counselor.

5. Lean on Friends and Family

Though it’s often the goal of a gaslighter to isolate you from the people who care about you, having other people to confide in is crucial. In addition to acting as a sounding board, a friend or family member is an unbiased third party who can reality check the situation and remind you that what you’re feeling isn’t “crazy” or “exaggerated.”

6. Prioritize Self Care

Worrying about gaslighting can creep into pretty much every area of your life, making it tough to enjoy even your favorite people, places or things. Because it takes such a huge toll on your mental health, self-care is paramount. By focusing on yourself, you’ll feel more capable of standing up for yourself and dealing with all the challenges life is throwing at you. From writing gratitude lists to watching motivational TED Talks, here are dozens of super-simple ways to practice self-care.

7. Seek Professional Help

Some gaslighting situations are easier to leave than others, and romantic relationships are one of the tougher ones. If you suspect there’s gaslighting going on in your relationship, seek out the help of a licensed therapist—specifically someone who specializes in relationship therapy—who can help you define what you’re going through and help you get past it. Depending on the severity of your situation, you can also call the National Abuse Hotline at 800-799-7233 for urgent help.

7 Key Ways That Sensitive Empaths Feel Things A Little Differently

September 2, 2020 — 11:03 AM

Are you strongly affected by the energy of spaces, groups of people, and individuals? When you're around someone who is experiencing intense emotions like elation or anxiety, do you feel their emotions in your own system and body? If you don't get enough time to retreat and recharge, can you feel scattered, overwhelmed, or drained? Is it easy for you to understand someone else's perspective or emotional experience, even when they don't communicate it? Do you feel emotions deeply, and are you deeply moved by music, stories in books or movies, or inspiring things you witness in the world?

If you answered yes to several of these questions, you're probably an empath, someone who is wired to feel not only your own energy and emotions but also the energies and emotions of those around you. Perhaps you were a sensitive child, or you might have awakened to this sensitivity later in life. Below we'll explore the root of your sensitivity and how being an empath makes you a little different from friends, family, and colleagues who are not as sensitive:

1. Your energetic and emotional systems are hyper-perceptive.

You might have a good friend who can go from big meeting to big meeting, or party to party, and never feel drained. Yet you need more space to retreat in between events. That's because your hyper-perceptive system is picking up on more—what other people are saying but also what they are feeling as well as the collective energy of the room.

You simply have more to process at the end than your less sensitive friend. It can often take sensitive people longer to let their systems idle back into neutral after the stimulation of big events or any interaction where the emotions and energies were high or intense. If you had an action-packed day interacting with lots of people—in person, over Zoom, or over email—indulge in some low-stimulation activities at night like putting together a puzzle with the kids or reading quietly before bed.

2. Your physical body might be more sensitive too. 

For some empaths, their energetic and emotional sensitivity extends to their physical bodies. You might feel the effects of substances like alcohol or caffeine more strongly than your friends, for instance. Or you might be more sensitive than others in your office to temperature changes in the room or loud noises outside. 

Every empath is unique and will have a different threshold for physical stimuli. Your threshold might change throughout your life, depending on your circumstances. You might find a loud and busy hospital overwhelming at first, but six months into the job develop a tolerance to it. Or you might be temporarily unnerved by stimuli—like fast, aggressive music—you used to enjoy because your system is temporarily overwhelmed because your sensitivity is experiencing a growth spurt.

3. Physical spaces, and how they are maintained, have a huge effect on your energy. 

Many empaths prefer clean, tidy spaces. Soft sounds, beautiful surroundings, and comfortable furniture can make an empath's sensitive system purr happily! Empaths may be able to walk into a space and feel some of the unseen and silent vibe too—like if someone who lives or works in the space has been depressed or content. If you are known as being "picky" about physical spaces, blame it on your empath sensitivity!

Let roommates, partners, and family members know that physical spaces, and how they are maintained, is important to you. After physical cleanings, perform an energy clearing of your space with a bell, aromatherapy spray, or sage smoke, and see if this helps the vibes. Keep in mind that digital spaces—like certain websites and social media feeds—also affect you.

4. Learning how to mindfully tune out of others is a skill you have to acquire and hone. 

The cardinal trait of an empath is being naturally wired to feel the energies and emotions of others as the empath's own. If you were a machine, it would be your default setting to tune in to others this way. It's a lovely ability that allows empaths to connect profoundly with the world around them. Yet it can also be very overstimulating if empaths don't learn tools to engage witnessing energy so they can observe others from a more detached, neutral place. In my book Self-Care for Empaths, I give empaths the knowledge and techniques to more mindfully tune in or out of others.

5. Being caring and compassionate might come naturally to you because you feel with people. 

When you can feel someone else's joy or pain in your own system, as if it were your own experience, it can lead you to be quite tenderhearted. Empaths can feel so much, that it's important they learn how to connect with and support themselves so they don't enter burnout. When you are too much in another's emotional experience or all your energy is going out to others, it could eventually make you quite bitter, cranky, and not very compassionate at all! The most compassionate thing an empath can do is to put themselves first—then they'll have more reserves and stamina to be a force of compassion for others. Remember that just because you can feel other people’s emotions does not make you responsible for their emotions, so avoid rescuing, codependency, and people-pleasing. Develop methods for processing your own emotions to stay centered and grounded, so you know what's yours and what is someone else's in emotional territory.

6. You're strong in the clairsentient psychic pathway, but you may be strong in others as well.

An empath's sensitivity makes them very intuitive. Clairsentience is the psychic pathway of feeling intuitive information—feeling emotions, energies, or even physical sensations—and an empath's go-to, but it's only one of four main psychic pathways. You might also be able to hear intuitive guidance as a gentle voice in your mind (clairaudience), see intuitive guidance as an image in your mind (clairvoyance), or know intuitive guidance as a breakthrough thought or mental download (claircognizance). Know that with practice and understanding, your particular type of intuition can increase dramatically over time.

7. You are sensitive to collective energy.

This could be the collective energy of a grocery store, a city, or a culture. Empaths are also sensitive to changes with the earth as well as the astrological weather (like the sun entering a new zodiac sign or a planet going retrograde). You might be exposed to collective energy directly (like shopping at that bustling grocery store) or indirectly (like waking up feeling off or down and then reading in the news about an event that happened far away).

Develop daily, weekly, and monthly grounding routines that keep you centered in your own energy—like meditating each morning, listening to the same upbeat podcast every week, or meeting a friend for dinner once a month—to feel stable no matter what the collective energy is doing. You can use your sensitivity to collective energy to your advantage to court energy you'd like to experience, like visiting a spiritual center or quiet bookstore when you want to calm down, or sitting at an outdoor beer garden or visiting a dog park when you want to feel more enlivened. Your sensitivity to collective energy could inspire you to become an activist for important causes.

Tanya Carroll Richardson

mbg Contributor

Tanya Carroll Richardson is a professional intuitive, giving readings to clients all over the world. She’s also the author of seven nonfiction books including Angel Intuition, Are You... 

'I Know Narcissists. Here Are Four Signs You're Dating One'

 DR. MARIETTE JANSEN

ON 9/6/20 AT 6:31 AM EDT

I grew up with narcissists around me, and my struggles dealing with this led me to become a psychotherapist and life coach later in life. Only in recent years, after delving deeper into narcissism, have I discovered the full implications of interacting, on a personal and romantic level, with those who have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Through my work, I am now helping others who are victims of narcissists.

I trained as a psychotherapist, and though I primarily work as a life coach now, I have worked with clients who were looking to heal from their dysfunctional families and some who were in relationships with people who were displaying many signs of NPD. My awareness of NPD started with personal experiences, where I tried to find answers about my situation. When I was training there was no particular course available on how to deal with NPD, and at that time I had never heard the word narcissist.

Through researching information available, I discovered that a way to recovery could be through understanding the damage narcissists can do, building up self-esteem and taking control. I designed a coaching programme to support victims of narcissism, which combines a checklist of traits, shows how these narcissistic traits affect the victim in an emotional, mental and behavioural way and provides techniques on how to deal with narcissists, while keeping yourself safe from their influence.

Not understanding healthy love when I was growing up meant that I accepted emotionally abusive behaviour as the norm. I recognize now that as an adult, I became involved in relationships with narcissists, and I never thought it was strange that I was put down or had to go out of my way to please my partner.

As I grew older, I continued to attract many people into my life that I strongly believe were narcissists. But after a lifetime of "fighting" narcissism and then learning about narcissism from the perspective of a psychotherapist, I can now recognize the signs of those who may have NPD very quickly. I have seen victims of narcissistic abuse who have shown Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (Complex PTSD) with symptoms such as fear, mistrust and self-destructive behaviour. And looking back at my different boyfriends, I can immediately identify many of the warning signs of narcissistic behavior.

The American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) describes nine traits that are used to define NPD, and these include lack of empathy, envy, a need for admiration, self-importance and a preoccupation with ideal love or brilliance.

The examples I give below are from a few different relationships and some of the clients I have worked with, and they indicate signs that a partner may show if they are someone with NPD.

1. The relationship is not about you, it's all about them.

In my experience, narcissists are interested in talking about themselves and they will bring the discussion back to them, so it's something you'll likely see within the relationship. This self-importance and grandiose behavior is typical of narcissists. It demonstrates that the world revolves around them and that their interest is not in you but in themselves. If I spoke about my day at work, certain partners would quickly turn the conversation to be about their day. If I described a problem, their problem would immediately overtake mine.

It also played out in how they loved spending money on themselves, but not on me. In one relationship, my partner had a real sense of entitlement. He expected the moon and more, wouldn't think of thanking me for it and never reciprocated. I never received a special birthday or Christmas present, but this partner would get really angry if I hadn't arranged something special for him.

2. They continuously put you down and gaslight you.

Through my relationships and work, I noticed that narcissists always have to be "better" than those they are in relationships with. I remember having had a job interview, coming back home and wanting to talk it through. The job was quite prestigious and I know now that he wasn't too pleased about that. It put him in a slightly "lesser" position in his imagined hierarchy, when narcissists typically believe they are the special ones. Whatever I told him about what I had said, he laughed and said it was the wrong answer and that I had really messed up the interview. I felt horrible at that time and couldn't believe when I actually got the job.

One of my clients, who I believe was dating a narcissist, told me she had gotten to the point where she didn't recognise herself anymore. She told me she had previously been so confident, but that had disappeared. She was madly in love with someone she described as a "beautiful man who had a successful job." She moved in with him after six weeks. But soon after that she started to doubt herself as she "couldn't do anything right for him."

Narcissists often start relationships seeming wonderful and "love-bombing" their partner, but soon they see flaws they want to "fix". He told her she wore the wrong clothes, didn't earn enough, was mediocre and one day when she disagreed he called her a psychopath.

I have experienced partners who simply denied that things happened, when I knew 100 percent that they had taken place. But I would doubt myself, and over time this behaviour reduced my confidence to below zero. Whenever I felt strong, I would challenge these behaviours, but I would get laughed at and told I had, "such a bad memory."

This behaviour in a relationship is symptomatic of gaslighting—a form of psychological abuse in which narcissists use lies and false information to erode their victims' belief in their own judgement and, ultimately, their sanity.

Gaslighting, like myself an my client were experiencing, creates cognitive dissonance— because of the confusion between what they believe about themselves and the information they are receiving from their partner. My client was a bundle of nerves and felt worthless. She initially came to change herself, because she thought it was all her fault, but I helped her to realize that this was likely narcissistic behavior on the part of her partner, and that it was her destroyed sense of self that needed rebuilding.

3. You feel uneasy in their presence.

If you are feeling really uncomfortable because you never know what mood your partner will be in, you may well be dating a narcissist. Narcissists need to feel superior, admired and in control. Mood swings can give them control, but leaves their partners in a bubble of fear. The hyper-vigilance of the victim is part of what is called narcissistic supply: it is a form of attention that the narcissist needs.

In my experiences, narcissists can seem warm and loving in relationships, but within seconds be in a foul mood. Sometimes I would receive a compliment, but it would quickly be followed by a nasty remark. Once, I was told by a partner that my hair looked great, but that it was a shame it was such a lousy colour.

Narcissists also typically can't handle any form of criticism, and disagreement for them is equal to rejection and destroys their sense of superiority. In turn, this evokes fear. Fear leads to anger and narcissistic rage. This is intense anger, aggression, or passive-aggression where they lash out at their victims. Narcissistic rage is the behaviour that a narcissist shows when they are scared of being exposed as, say, not as "perfect" as they perceive themselves to be.

4. They have no empathy or emotional awareness.

I found, in my relationships with narcissists and people who displayed narcissistic behaviors, that a lack of empathy was a huge problem. This lack is a trait that is commonly associated with narcissists.

An example of this from my relationships was that practical projects were always fine, but the moment I wanted to talk about emotions I would be called "hysterical" and ignored. If those emotions were connected to our relationship, my partners would show even less empathy. Another example of this trait was displayed when one of my girlfriends was in hospital after an accident. I just wanted some comfort, but my partner at the time was simply unable to provide it.

The above signs could indicate you are involved with someone who has NPD, but of course, it could equally mean that they are just an unpleasant person.

Are you someone who accommodates others, puts them first, ignores your own needs, feels you want to make life better for others, feels insecure and takes the blame? You might find yourself in an unhealthy relationship because you are not valuing yourself enough to notice the signs of emotional abuse. If you find you are prepared to put up with someone's unreasonable behaviour, because you don't believe you deserve better, it might be worth seeking some advice or help.

Whether you are dealing with a narcissistic partner or not, I would say that the biggest warning sign and bright red flag is how you feel in the relationship. If you are uncomfortable it means you don't trust, don't feel accepted or are seen for who you are and you are walking on a path that will never lead to a happy, healthy relationship.

Dr. Mariette Jansen is a psychotherapist, life coach and author of best selling self help book "From Victim to Victor – Narcissism Survival Guide", which is available via amazon.com and amazon.co.uk. Jansen has a P.h.D. in interpersonal communication from the University of Utrecht and trained in psychotherapy at London Metropolitan University. You can find more about her work at drdestress.co.uk.

All views expressed in this piece are the writer's own.