Slather Slander

When the narc is busy slandering and smearing, are you listening?  He's telling you all about himself.

Every day away from the narc is a better day. Better health, better sleep, more peace. Detachment is key. Objectivity is important. Humor helps.

Remember: the ones who know you best and truly care for you know better. The ones that support the mean words in public he says, the lies he pushes, they are just another supply for him.  He'll discard them just as easily when he's sucked them dry. He cares no more for those "friends" that support him in his time of need when he was so callously abandoned (for lying, deceiving, manipulating ... ) than he did for his own wife. They are even less than she was. But they are the fuel he needs right now: buying his BS, lifting him up, adoring him for being so strong in the face of such adversity (that he, solely, created).

So yes, support your narc friend, give him that fuel he needs, help him perpetuate those lies until he's found a new supply and discards you like yesterdays news. Let him use you for his ugliness, it gives him pleasure to have such power over others.

He's just telling you all about himself ... are you listening to him?  Really?

No apologies

I would never get an apology, for anything. Not a real one anyways, just the sometimes one intended for him to just move on already to more fun and exciting things. Like finding other women, social media, games, youtube, socializing and leeching.

He constantly implied that I was stupid enough to believe these "sincere" apologies. The "I'm sorry" is always followed by a "but."

That "but" directly negates what is said directly before it.  He loved this word also. A couple times I pointed out to him to not bother if he's going to follow it with a  "but".

He tried do whatever it would take to trap me in his web of lies. I watched as he saw me swallow down the little ones, then the bigger ones he got away with. He thought I was hooked, that I would believe anything he tells me. Any time I called him out on his lies, he'd just tell a different one. Try to rewrite history.

So how do you know what a true apology is versus a Narc's fake one? A real apology will consist of three parts:
the I'm sorry,
the I was wrong,
and the how can I make it better.
A Narc won't do that. Why? Because that will show vulnerability, and a Narc can't have that.

A real apology will see you at the core, as in "You are hurting because..." A Narc apology will have themselves at the core, as in "I am hurting because you...."

So what is the reasoning for the Narc's fake apology?  He knew I found out vital info that will expose him, and he will do whatever it takes to divert the attention away from himself. He twists it around and blames me!

Words mean nothing if actions remain the same. When we are the recipient of these fake apologies, we are left feeling empty and not valued. I've felt this way countless times. I always felt like my thoughts and feelings were never validated.

What problem?

Speaking on experience, this is how a narcissist makes sure nothing gets resolved:

1. Circular conversations

You’ll think you worked something out, only to begin discussing it again in the next conversation. And it’s as if you never even said a word the first time around, or the 10th time around. The narcissist has lots of complaints about you, while ignoring any legitimate arguments you may have provided, time and again. At the end of the conversation, nothing will be resolved. The same issues will come up over and over again and... again.  And every time you bring up these issues, it’s as if you never even had the argument in the past. You get sucked back in, only to feel crazy & high-maintenance, then they decide “I’m sick of always arguing about this.” It’s a merry-go-round.

So I began early on, informing him that I will not repeat the same conversations ad nauseum.  He's a grown man, take notes. I would walk away. This from a man who once told me he hated when he had to repeat himself and people forgot things. I watched him turn from this self righteous statement into a man who used the following lines on a regular basis:
"I forgot"
"I can't recall"
"I don't remember"

Of course, this was all to absolve him of responsibility for being caught stalking me, following me, looking through my trash ... among other boundary busting atrocities.


2. Bringing up your past wrongdoings & ignoring their own

If you point out something the narcissist is doing—like ignoring you, not listening to what you say, being distant, or not following through on something promised—rather than discussing the issues you ask them to resolve, they’ll mention something from the past that they imagine you’ve done wrong. Did you once upon a time do something wrong? Well then, what they're doing isn’t really all that bad compared to what they think you did. Did you do XXX ? Well then, you can’t complain about what they're doing now. And God forbid you bring up any of their wrongdoings. Then, you are an abusive lunatic with a list of grievances that have no basis. In this way, the problem you bring up, however simple, never gets solved.

It's a lack of accountability.  It's not them, it's the rest of the world.  They'll happily and with ease deflect the real issue and just place all the blame on someone else because it's simply not the narcissist's fault, it never is.

3.  Condescending & patronizing tone

The entire conversation will have the basis that you're obviously unreasonable, obsessed, or crazy, and they are entirely reasonable and a victim. It’s almost like they are examining you, because you realize that they aren't listening, just waiting you out. When you finally react emotionally, that’s when the narcissist will  tell you to calm down, and tell you their feelings are hurt or you are abusive. The whole point of this behavior is to depict you as unhinged, and therefore give them the upper hand. Because remember, conversations are competitions to be won, not problems to be resolved.

And every conversation is a one-up contest for him.  If it's not a one up contest he'll just be defensive. Even over simple questions like "Have you ever baked cookies before?"  You'd think I had asked him for his deepest darkest family secrets by his reaction. Again, a repeated pattern of behavior from him.

Conversation became extinct. I didn't want a competition, I didn't want to be mirrored, I didn't want to be lied to again or attacked.

4. Accusing you of doing things that they are themselves doing

This will put you on the defensive, especially in heated arguments. You are trying to save the marriage or relationship, asking for changes, and to be heard, but they will begin labeling you with their own faults...so if they are negative and critical of you, they say you are like that. The narcissist will depict you as a horrible person, but they will at times accuse you of this in an indirect way. This will frustrate you and of course, you will react negatively, proving their point as far as they are concerned. By diverting the conversation into your numerous and onerous faults, they never discuss the real problems in the marriage.  This is called PROJECTION by therapists.

Exactly!!!!

5. This is true, but wait, then THIS is true

If you angrily pull out of the conversation because it goes round and round, the narcissist will start insulting the things they once said they liked about you...you become a terrible person now. You’ll be left wondering who you’re even talking to, because a positive thing is said at one time, then a demeaning and insulting comment later. They love you and they despise you, they think you are a good person, then a very bad person. There is no stability in their view of you. They leave you feeling totally unloved even while saying they love you.

Yep.

6. The victim

Somehow the narcissist's problems and their confusing behavior that's inconsistent with a marriage or relationship will always lead back to a conversation about their abusive past, and then they compare you to their former abuser, even if the former abuser ex IS the problem causing the confusion. The idea is for you to end up feeling bad for them, even when they've done something wrong. Then after doing this, they will seek an opportunity to bond with you over their supposed complex feelings. And once they have successfully averted your attention elsewhere by acting as if they have changed, they will soon become distant and things go back to the way they were.... no bonding or deep spiritual connection whatsoever. They are the ones saying “abuse” while being abusive—and, in the end, you are left feeling nothing but empty.

I watched him blame a phone company for his inability to keep proper records. I watched him blame me for things he did all on his own that went wrong because of his direct actions. I watched him get angry and say mean things about people who wouldn't drop what they were doing and help him immediately. I listened to him blame whoever and whatever he could for things that didn't go his way. Never his fault, always someone else's.

7. You begin explaining basic human emotions and actions

You find yourself explaining things like “empathy” and “feelings” and “being nice”, what is a “bad person” and what is a “good person”, what are bad motives and what are good motives, what is OK for a person to do in a certain circumstance, and what is not OK, or you explain that a person has obviously bad intentions, which the N says has good intentions, then says the opposite later, and then claims they never said anything else. Most adults do not need to be taught the golden rules from kindergarten. You do this because you have attempted to see the good in them. You think to yourself, “if they can just understand why I’m hurt, then they’ll stop doing it.” But they won’t. In the first place, they wouldn’t have done all the hurtful things they have done if hurting you was their primary concern. The worst part is, they have this sweet, caring persona. They know how to be kind & good, but they will hurt you again and again, and then you realize that your happiness is not nearly as important to them as you once imagined, because they are more than willing to hurt you if necessary for what is a “higher good” in their mind....and they really believe they are doing the right thing while doing this, and your pain is irrelevant. The marriage is sacrificed to the “greater good”, or to what they want to do, no matter how hurtful it is to you.

Or try to explain boundaries because he looked you in the eye and sincerely stated that since you're now married there are no boundaries.

8. Excuses

Everyone messes up every now and then, but narcissists give flimsy excuses rather than actually following through with promises. When their actions don't match up with their words, they shrug and say they weren't really thinking about it. You'd be humiliated if you broke a promise, but they are emotionless and it simply isn't a serious problem to them, even when you point out that they are destroying the all trust in your marriage and that the marriage can't survive without trust. They know that, but it's irrelevant, whereas once, it was extremely important to them...but that's long gone. You are disappointed so frequently that you can't feel relieved when they do something decent—they condition you to expect to be disappointed again and again, and you are. All happiness is temporary, and just a short reprieve before another inflicted hurt.

I started my journal again just to keep track of the excuses and lies. I had to mark what he said and when and in what order. Times, places, all of it so I wouldn't get caught in the web of confusion he was attempting to spin. His excuses and lies were just too obvious, lies to cover lies and then more. The story changed since the first lie didn't stick, try another angle.  It was astounding to watch unfold.

9. “What in the world just happened?”

These conversations leave you drained. You may be left with an actual headache, but definitely a sense of total frustration. You will spend hours, even days, thinking over the argument you've just had. You’ll feel as if you exhausted all of your emotional energy to accomplish absolutely nothing. Even if you have well thought out arguments in your head, you can never respond to all the deflections, accusations, personal attacks, and asides that make your points get lost and become irrelevant, so you try again and again to bring the conversation back on track. You will feel the need to defend yourself and much of the time is spent in this way. You can tell the narcissist isn't really listening, they just want you to shut up so they can go back to doing the same thing and ignoring what you said. You’ll try to come up with a diplomatic solution, and you admit that you have been wrong at times.

I was wrong for being trusting, nice, open, honest,supportive and transparent.
He saw those as weaknesses to exploit.
I was wrong for providing emotional, spiritual, physical and financial support to an emotional demon.
More weaknesses, in his eyes, to take advantage of. And he did.

He oftentimes pretended as if everything was great, fantastic, marvelous and was very conscious of going out and showing everyone we're doing great. I refused to pander to that hypocrisy and stopped going out with him on weekends for the most part.  I was unable to pretend everything was ok when it clearly wasn't. He was very concerned about appearances, everything had to look good to the outside world, doesn't matter the shit show he created behind the scenes.

With a narcissist, there is no closure, and no possible answer to that problem....there is only the knowledge that I did the right thing, that it wasn't my fault, and that one day I may meet someone again who will appreciate those good qualities rather than see them as weaknesses to exploit.

Healing Path

Healing from Narcissistic abuse is a recovery process. Trying to wrap my brain around the "WHY?" is my current path.  Although I know why logically, emotionally it makes it no easier to grasp. It makes it no less confusing or me less angry for having been duped and taken advantage of.  I fell in love with charm, the carefully selected group of people who fed his ego and need for supply.  I fed that need too, unknowingly, unwittingly. He saw my adoration for a previous partner who earned that adoration. Not only earned it, but fed it, watered it, took care of it and nourished it, mutually. He showed me good guys are really still out there. Then my partner passed away.  My STBX Narc was right there, ready to pounce on my vulnerability, and he wasted no time.

I bought into my STBX's charm and fun-ness. Little did I know at the  time I was being "love bombed", supported by family that was hoping I would save them from dealing with him, yet again. His irresponsibility, his dishonesty, his blaming and twisting. So they supported him being someone else's problem. Hook, line and sinker ... red flags be damned.

My hope is someone else who may be working on their recovery process may find solace in the postings I find and share here.  It's a difficult circumstance to slog through: frustration, anger, exhaustion, sadness, confusion.

I won't publicly defend myself against his smear campaigns, he'll dig his own hole. I also won't mention his name and have reclaimed mine. I won't smear him, I will only speak of my experience. I will share in my learning and healing, find my voice and reclaim my life. I was taken, lied to and manipulated by a man who wanted what I have but would not take care of it. He liked the house, the tv, the internet, the electric, gas, water, heat, air conditioning, food, entertainment and no pressure so much he decided working wasn't for him.  He decided being honest,open and transparent just wasn't on the agenda and so lied about where he was going, who he was with, what he was doing. He would tell me that what I saw with my own eyes was a lie.  The gaslighting attempts were so blatant they blew my mind, every time. This just scratches the surface of the nightmare.

I'll share what my narcissist shared with me, written from his perspective.  I hope it clicks with someone else out there and helps in the healing process. Remember, this is the narc showing this to his victim and actions speak louder than words. Where I once saw hope, I now see the truth, not my truth, the truth, the entire magilla, the whole show.

A letter from the Narcissist to their partner......

What I’m about to say is not something I’d ever say or admit (to you), because to do so would end the winner-takes-all-game that is my main source of pleasure in life — one that effectively keeps you carrying my load in our relationship.

And that’s the whole point.

When I say “I love you” I mean that I love how hard you work to make me feel like your everything, that I am the focus of your life, that you want me to be happy, and that I’ll never be expected to do the same.

I love the power I have to take advantage of your kindness and intentions to be nice, and the pleasure I derive when I make myself feel huge in comparison to you, taking every opportunity to make you feel small and insignificant.

I love the feeling it gives me thinking of you as weak, vulnerable, emotionally fluffy, and I love looking down on you for your childlike innocence and gullibility, as weakness.

I love the way I feel knowing that, through the use of gaslighting, what you want to discuss or address will never happen, and I love this “power” to train you to feel “crazy” for even asking or bringing up issues that don’t interest me, effectively, ever lowering your expectations of me and what I’m capable of giving you, while I up mine of you.

I love how easy it is to keep your sole focus on alleviating my pain (never yours!), and that, regardless what you do, you’ll never make me feel good enough, loved enough, respected enough, appreciated enough, and so on. (Misery loves company.)

(It’s not about the closeness, empathy, emotional connection you want, or what I did that hurt or embarrassed you, or how little time I spend engaged with you or the children, and so on. It’s about my status and doing my job to keep you in your place, in pain, focused on feeling my pain, blocking you from feeling valued in relation to me. I’m superior and entitled to all the pleasure, admiration, and comforting between us, remember?)

“I love you” means I love the way I feel when you are with me, more specifically, regarding you as a piece of property I own, my possession. Like driving a hot car, I love the extent to which you enhance my status in the eyes of others, letting them know that I’m top dog, and so on. I love thinking others are jealous of my possessions.

I love the power I have to keep you working hard to prove your love and devotion, wondering what else you need to do to “prove” your loyalty.

“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I’m with you. Due to how often I hate and look down on others in general, the mirror neurons in my brain keep me constantly experiencing feelings of self-loathing; thus, I love that I can love myself through you, and also love hating you for my “neediness” of having to rely on you or anyone for anything.

I love that you are there to blame whenever I feel this “neediness”; feeling scorn for you seems to protect me from something I hate to admit, that I feel totally dependent on you to “feed” my sense of superiority and entitlement, and to keep my illusion of power alive in my mind.

(Nothing makes me feel more fragile and vulnerable than not having control over something that would tarnish my image and superior status, such as when you question “how” I treat you, as if you still don’t understand that getting you to accept yourself as an object for my pleasure, happy regardless of how I treat you, or the children — is key proof of my superiority, to the world. You’re my possession, remember? It’s my job to teach you to hate and act calloused toward those “crazy” things that only “weak” people need, such as “closeness” and “emotional stuff;” and by the way, I know this “works” because my childhood taught me to do this to myself inside.)

It makes me light up with pleasure (more proof of my superiority) that I can easily get you flustered, make you act “crazy” over not getting what you want from me, make you repeat yourself, and say and do things that you’ll later hate yourself for (because of your “niceness”!). Everything you say, any hurts or complaints you share, you can be sure, I’ll taunt you with later, to keep you ever-spinning your wheels, ever trying to explain yourself, ever doubting yourself and confused, trying to figure out why I don’t “get” it.

(There’s nothing to get! To break the code, you’d have to look through my lens, not yours! It’s my job to show complete disinterest in your emotional needs, hurts, wants, and to train, dismiss and punish accordingly, until you learn your “lesson,” that is: To take your place as a voiceless object, a possession has no desire except to serve my pleasure and comfort, and never an opinion on how it’s treated!)

(That you can’t figure this out, after all the ways I’ve mistreated you, to me, is proof of my genetic superiority. In my playbook, those with superior genes are never kind, except to lure and snare their victims!)

I love that I can make you feel insecure at the drop of a hat, especially by giving attention to other women (perhaps also others in general, friends, family members, children, etc. … the list is endless). What power this gives me to put a display of what you don’t get from me, to taunt and make you beg for what I easily give to others, wondering why it’s so easy to give what you want to others, to express feelings or affection, to give compliments, that is, when it serves my pleasure (in this case, to watch you squirm).

I love the power I have to get you back whenever you threaten to leave, by throwing a few crumbs your way, and watching how quickly I can talk you into trusting me when I turn on the charm, deceiving you into thinking, this time, I’ll change.

“I love you” means I need you because, due to the self-loathing I carry inside, I need someone who won’t abandon me that I can use as a punching bag, to make myself feel good by making them feel bad about themselves. (This is how I pleasure myself, and the way I numb, deny the scary feelings I carry inside that I hope to never admit, ever. I hate any signs of weakness in me, which is why I hate you, and all the “nice” weaklings I view as inferior, stupid, feeble, and so on.)

“I love you” means that I love fixing and shaping your thoughts and beliefs, being in control of your mind, so that you think of me as your miracle and savior, a source of life and sustenance you depend on, and bouncing back to, like gravity, no matter how high you try to fly away or jump.

I love that this makes me feel like a god, to keep you so focused (obsessed…) with making me feel worshiped and adored, sacrificing everything for me to prove yourself so that I don’t condemn or disapprove of you, seeking to please none other, and inherently, with sole rights to administer rewards and punishments as I please.

I love how I can use my power to keep you down, doubting and second-guessing yourself, questioning your sanity, obsessed with explaining yourself to me (and others), professing your loyalty, wondering what’s wrong with you (instead of realizing that … you cannot make someone “happy” who derives their sense of power and pleasure from feeling scorn for the weaklings who let me take advantage of them … like you!).

“I love you” means I love the way I feel when I see myself through your admiring eyes, that you’re my feel-good drug, my dedicated audience, my biggest fan and admirer, and so on. Training you to look up to me, never question me, and bow down with pleasure to serve me as your never-erring, omniscient, omnipotent source of knowledge is my end-goal — my drug of choice.

(You may have noticed how touchy I am at any sign that you would question me; I hate how fragile I feel in such moments, worried that failing to train you in silent submission could tarnish my image in the world, something I care about more than anything else, even life itself!)

And I love that, no matter how hard you beg and plead for my love and admiration, to feel valued in return, it won’t happen, as long as I’m in control. Why would I let it, when I’m hooked on deriving pleasure from depriving you of anything that would make you feel worthwhile, be wind beneath your wings, risking you’d fly away from me? Besides, it gives me great pleasure to not give you what you yearn for, the tenderness you need and want, and to burst your every dream and bubble, then telling myself, “I’m no fool.”

I love that I can control your attempts to get “through” to me, by controlling your mind, in particular, by shifting the focus of any “discussion” onto what is wrong with you, your failure to appreciate and make me feel loved, good enough, etc. — and of course, reminding you of all I’ve done for you, and how ungrateful you are.

I love how skillfully I manipulate others’ opinions of you as well, getting them to side with me as the “good” guy, and side against you as the “bad” guy, portraying you as incapable of making me happy or manly — or as needy, never satisfied, always complaining, selfish and controlling, and the like.

I love how easy it is for me to say “No!” to what may give you credit, or increase your sense of value and significance in relation to me, with endless excuses; and that instead, I return your focus to my unfulfilled needs and wants, my discomforts or pain.

I love feeling that I own your thoughts, your ambitions, and ensuring the only wants and needs you focus on are ones that serve my pleasure and comfort.

I love that I can isolate you from others who may nourish you, and break the spell of thinking they ever loved you; I love making you mistrust them, so that you conclude no one else really wants to put up with you, but me.

I love that I can make you feel I’m doing you a favor by being with you and throwing a few crumbs your way. Like a vacuum, the emptiness inside me is in constant need of sucking the life and breath and vitality you, and your determination to be kind, brings to my life, which I crave like a drug that can never satisfy, that I fight to hoard, and hate the thought of sharing.

While I hate you and my addiction to your caring attention, my neediness keeps me craving to see myself through your caring eyes, ever ready to admire, adore, forgive, make excuses for me, and fall for my lies and traps. (I could never appreciate or value you for this, how could I? I hate myself for needing these caring, yet unmanly gestures, which disgust me.)

I love that you keep telling me how much I hurt you, not knowing that, to me, this is like a free marketing report. It lets me know how effective my tactics have been to keep you in pain, focused on alleviating my pain — so that I am ever the winner in this competition — ensuring that you never weaken (control) me with your love- and emotional-closeness stuff.

In short, when I say “I love you,” I love the power I have to remain a mystery that you’ll never solve because of what you do not know (and refuse to believe), that: the only one who can win this zero-sum-winner-takes-all game is the one who knows “the rules.” My sense of power rests on ensuring you never succeed at persuading me to join you in creating a mutually-kind relationship because, in my worldview, being vulnerable, emotionally expressive, kind, caring, empathetic, innocent are signs of weakness, proof of inferiority.

Thanks, but no thanks, I’m resolved to stay on my winner-takes-all ground, ever in competition for the prize, seeing you as my fiercest competitor, gloating in my narcissistic ability to be heartless, callous, cold, calculating … and proud, to ensure my neediness for a sense of superiority isn’t hampered.

Forever love-limiting,

Your narcissist...